All whored out and all bricked up (still in England)

So I'm thinking next year I really need to go to BlogHer. Because I'm a glutton for punishment and because I was always the kid that fit in right away. HAHAHA. No, really.

In a previous life I was doing a PhD at university (never finished) and I travelled to conferences a lot and I always loved them. You get to stay in a nice hotel, learn a lot about your favourite subjects (they should have been in any case, and with blogging that would actually be the truth), you get to see a bit of the world AND meet some lovely people. Win-win-win-win, right?

There are a few problems I foresee. For a start, it would be very expensive. So I would probably have to whore myself out. I could perhaps start trawling the Belgian airports and see if I could bed an international airline executive. Which would obviously get me a plane ticket. Actually, I should probably find out where it is first. If it's in Hawaii, great. Not sure I would want to go to ... just thinking which state I want to really alienate here.

Also - I would need to get to know more people, because I'm not doing a reenactment of the first day at school for all the blogging community to see. (Standing in a corner not knowing anyone.) So I'm thinking I might write some good code to trawl all you lovely people's blog rolls and automatically leave the following message on all most recent posts:
"Lovely post! I had one on just the same topic lately."
And then all I have to hope is that there aren't too many posts on circumcision (we don't do that, we're European) or cookie making (we don't do that, we're lazy) or crocheting (we don't do that, we have my sister for that).

Then of course I need to be nominated at least for an award (winning might be over the top and lose me more friends than it would get me). Is there some kind of BlogHer Newcomer of the year? Maybe Foreign Newcomer of the year. I have no idea. Are there even awards at BlogHer? These things everyone has been canvassing for are surely BlogHer related. I should probably do some research as well.

I think I'll start with the whoring.

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So do you know that situation where you're on a diet and you're doing really well, and you lost five pounds, and then you think you can probably loosen up a bit and next thing you know you're seven pounds heavier than your starting weight? That's me with the whole holiday constipation thing.

In Switzerland, I was good as gold, drinking liters of water and having tons of brown bread, with the special seeds on top and I was fine(-ish). Now I've gone to the UK, and I'm on my usual British diet of white toast with baked potatoes and a side of chips. Bummer.

It doesn't help that Marie insists on providing me with an audience in the bathroom these days. She insists on coming along and watching me perform. I'm telling you. The one thing that does not make a shy piece of excrement come out any faster is a toddler giving a running commentary on your every move and tinkle.

(I thought I would write about my poop YET AGAIN as lots of bloggers have been stopping by and leaving comments, and I'm all about the masochism and the scaring people off and that.)

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Actually, not sure what's more inappropriate: writing about BlogHer if you haven't even been or writing about your own poop yet again.