Mindfulness rocks!

About three years ago, I did an eight week course in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). It completely changed my life. Truly, madly, deeply. Today I went to a repeater session which showed me how far along I've come. It has left me so happy and excited, I have to write about it.

Originally, I took this course because I had been struggling with some physical problems - hyperventilation, intestinal infections - which had an obvious psychological cause. They used to always get worse in times of stress or anxiety, and I couldn't see a way out. I had tried physiotherapy, breathing exercises, a special diet. All these things treated the symptoms rather than the cause. Then I read about mindfulness in my local newspaper. It sounded just right for me.

The course was based on the practice of Jon Kabat-Zinn. It was led by my own personal Flemish guru, whom I shall call Mr Nobel. This man is the nearest you can come to a saint. (In my opinion anyway.) He is a psychiatrist and a practicer of Zen, and the most amazingly patient and wise man. He trained with Kabat-Zinn himself, and seems to teach only out of a desire to pass on the wonderful ideas he has learned from others.

Mindfulness, as explained by Wikipedia, is "calm awareness of one's body functions, feelings, content of consciousness, or consciousness itself". You learn to meditate, and to look at your feelings and thoughts, so that they are not so overwhelming any more. Or something like that. It's not easy to explain, but boy oh boy is it beautiful. You also (crucially) learn to be more kind to yourself.

A typical session, like today's, must look quite strange from the outside. We were in a busy hospital, with the doors and windows open to let out a bit of the stifling heat, and for the first forty-five minutes, all we did was lie perfectly still, followed by twenty-five minutes of sitting perfectly still. Mr Nobel did speak a little (calmly, beautifully), suggesting what we should focus our attention on - mainly on our breathing, our bodies, our thoughts and our feelings.

Three years ago, I used to find this kind of meditation incredibly difficult. I could not sit still. I was overwhelmed with frustration and negative thoughts. Today, I did so much better. I still changed positions a few times, but there was none of the frustration and I managed to deal so much better with my negative thoughts.

After the meditation we all got into a circle and we got to ask Mr Nobel questions. A regular session would have some teaching first, also followed by questions.

It was interesting seeing a lot of people there today who had only just finished their MBSR training. They seemed so lost, and so unsure. It will open up a can of worms, if you happen to have a can of worms around. It's great to see how much more comfortable I am with it already. The "new ones" were asking how the course would finally make all their problems go away. They were not wanting to hear yet that the problems do not go away, you just learn to deal with them better.

In my case, I still feel anxiety about a lot of things, and I'm not really sleeping much better than I was. It's the way I look at these things that has changed. I will not get stressed any more when I can't sleep. I'll do something else, or I'll relax and fall asleep again. It doesn't make my mind go into crazy loops any more. I don't spend a lot of the next day bemoaning my terrible fate. My fears as well - they're still there. I just recognise them, see that they are there without judging myself, and then I go on and live some more. Sigh - it's hard to explain. Mr Nobel is SO GOOD - he always puts it into such beautiful words.

My physical symptoms have also all but disappeared. I used to hyperventilate every day. Now it happens occasionally, but I deal with it much better. I don't get panicky for a start. I see it and it helps that I don't get cross with myself as well. Also, no more random infections. Which makes for a far happier girl.

During the break today, I finally got to thank Mr Nobel for changing my life. I've been waiting for that moment for a long time now. I found it hard to put it into words, but he obviously understood. I told him I took his book into the delivery room when I had my little girl. I cried a little. He seemed to genuinely appreciate what I said. We had a moment there.

At the very end of the session, I did not go to say goodbye (after all, I will be back). I just looked over, and I think the look between Mr Nobel and me encompassed anything we could have said and more.

This was a very, very, very good day.

How about yours?