I woke up with that feeling that my breath is too big for my body. I'm awkward, a bit snappy. It took forever to get ready and out of the door.
I know the reason. You'd think at 32 - no - but there it was again - that dream, about that boy. For good measure, it was even mixed up with that dream about school toilets.
I say that dream but only the theme is constant, the cruel embellishments new every time. Try as it might to disguise itself, I instantly recognise my old foe.
The boy: forever 15, me forever 14. We are in the same class. He doesn't even notice me. I think he is the universe. You can reach out and touch my longing. It hangs heavy in the air. It makes me cumbersome. I behave like an idiot. I get in his way, try to act cool. I fail miserably. There is a deep, deep sense of inferiority. I never once entertain the possibility of returned affections.
The toilets: they are always dirty, they are always multiple. There is no place to hide, I have to go. For once, there was blood involved. For once, they were not school toilets. Away at some camp, they were barn toilets, neatly increasing the filth horror factor.
I am emotional and unstable today.
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Oh dear, hoping your day gets better! I'm sure that boy is balding and 50 stone by now....
ReplyDeleteI hate those days. Breathe. Try not to engage the thoughts but let them go....
ReplyDeleteI hope your day improved. I dislike waking up with that feeling.
ReplyDeleteHope your day got better. But I loved the way you wrote this.
ReplyDeleteThat's the worst feeling ever. I hope that the day improved.
ReplyDeletexoxo
@all - Thank you for your concern. I think I made it sound worse than it was. I don't mind the occasional disturbance of my soul, as it makes me feel like my emotions are still very much alive. I will take the longing and the unstability with it.
ReplyDeleteSpecial thanks to Wendi for noticing my attempt at curly sentences.
Ugh. I hate waking up with those heavy type feelings, it really makes the rest of the day suck. Hope you're feeling better!
ReplyDeleteI live with longing everyday. It never leaves me, Ive just had to learn to live with it. Age is irrelevant when it comes to longing. I suppose its another life 'thing' but often not easy.
ReplyDelete