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Jack was the most amazing sleeper. He slept for nine hours the night we got home from the hospital, when he was five days old. After a while, he slept twelve hours. It was absolute bliss. Our idiot health visitor told us to wake him because (according to her) babies needed fed every six hours at least. As if he didn't know best. I nearly laughed her out of the door. He was happy, alert, thriving. Of course I was going to disturb his wonderful sleep pattern. Because I'm a bad girl and I need to be punished. (I know, I know, other post entirely.)
Then when Marie was born, we didn't know what hit us. She never slept. She was fine until she was tired, when she would start to cry. It was horrible. The only way she would get any sleep at all was if we put her on my chest or Babes' and stayed with her. And of course we had two children now, so there was a lot less chance to sneak off for naps for the one not on baby duty during the day. We were exhausted. We bickered. We never shared a bed either, because we always had one person downstairs with Marie while the other was asleep upstairs.
I had told our local baby health place that I did not want anyone to visit (after their great advice with Jack), but now I was desperate. I had read all the books, tried everything and nothing was working. After about a month, I went to the nurse and begged for help. She offered no advice other than what I'd read already and that it would eventually get better.
Then, at home, I finally did what my gut had told me to do in the hospital already: I put Marie in her crib on her stomach. She slept for 24 hours, she was so grateful she finally got to sleep. All the books disagreed. The nurses disagreed. I stayed up and watched her like a hawk for another few days and nights, convinced she would be turning blue, dying, not breathing. A few nights after that she was still alive, happy, a dream of a baby, and I finally, finally, got some sleep.
About a year later, a doctor told us that putting a baby on its stomach is not the major risk factor for cot death, but overheating is. And babies are more likely to overheat on their tummies. As long as you make sure they don't get too hot, babies can sleep on their fronts. In fact, some need to or they never sleep. (I need to as well, and always have since the day I was born.)
I was quite angry at the whole system. It was downright cruel to keep a newborn baby awake for over a month, just because there is a tenuous connection with cot death. We don't smoke, checked the room temperature, breastfed - basically we did everything right, and still we were told by all the "experts" that it would be very dangerous to put her down on her front. When I eventually checked out all the statistics myself, I saw what a small chance they were talking about, and quickly made my own choice. I was surprised and upset that the information we got was so categorical while the data are not. We scared rather than informed.
If I have any message I want to impart with this post, it's this: books and experts hardly ever know better than a well-informed and well-meaning parent. With Jack we were told dummies (binkies?) were evil, but he had such a sucking reflex, he was fused to my little finger whenever he wasn't fused to my boob. A dummy was the right thing. And then with Marie, we were told categorically that we were not allowed to put her to sleep on her front, even though that had been the right thing for generations of children, including myself. "They" were wrong. So if you have a baby around, by all means do your research and find out all the facts. And then use common sense and listen to your baby and your own heart. You'll be just fine.
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omg, all the info can drive someone crazy right?!!!! how'd u do it? good job listening to ur own inner compass.
ReplyDeletewe r trying to get pregnant right now. just thinkin about it makes me crazy!!! i'm terrified to be a mom in this day and age :-(
Oh you poor thing - that first month with marie must have been hideous for you. Yep been there. Understand! And yes, my two preferred to sleep on their stomachs too - or at least their sides before they were able to turn over. Liek you say, generations before us were told that it was much less dangerous to put babies on the front and putting babies on their back was a risk because if they threw up they might choke! But it's all changed now...I think parents just have to experiment for themselves and see what work for them and their babies. Well done for finding out what worked for you xx
ReplyDeleteI hate to say it, but I'm not sure I agree with you. Yes, I agree parents should trust their instincts and I do think "expert" advice is often over-rated, but in this case I don't think it's fair to berate doctors or health visitors for what they told you.
ReplyDeleteResearch shows that when mothers were advised to put babies to sleep on their backs (or sides) in the feet to foot position, the rate of SIDS fell.
Whether it's because babies are more likely to overheat or more likely to get into respiratory distress in that position I don't know - but I know that, as a Mother, I'm hugely grateful for any knowledge that mitigates the risk to my child of SIDS.
I accept in your situation, your baby slept more comfortably on her front - and good on you for trying it, and getting some sleep.
But I suppose I'm uncomfortable with anything that berates doctors, who are just trying to present a simple message that might just save a baby's (okay, not your baby) life.
All the risk factors involved in SIDS are individually very small - being male, the time of year, the baby's birthweight, the mother's antenatal care, the temperature of the room, smoking, the position the baby was lying in etc But I know that personally I didn't dismiss anything as being unimportant or not worth my doctor telling me about.
Err...Look back at your post "What's love got to do with it?". Read this post. Draw conclusions.
ReplyDeleteMy brilliant ante-natal teacher (a mother of 3 herself) said one thing to us which I still quote to this day: children are 'parent-proof'. I translate this to the very basic "use your common sense".
ReplyDeleteYou can read all the books you want, listen to every piece of medical advice going (I come from a family of doctors, believe me, I know), and choose to follow this or not. Ultimately you know what works and what is best for your child.
And just for the record I did the same re sleeping on tummies and using dummies for all my 3. They were happy and likewise we got some sleep.
LCM x
thanks for this post! I too was mortified about putting my daughter on the side or the front - or even use support pillows to keep her cosy, which a good friend of mine suggested. As soon as my daughter was able to turn, she slept on her tummy - and better too! She still does actually.
ReplyDeleteI think with everything it's best to check the risks and then make an informed decision that you are comfortable with. We took the "risk" of co-sleeping which worked well.
My youngest would only sleep on his stomach. And he slept with us. We listened to our hearts and to him.
ReplyDeleteNeither of my boys slept well on their backs. We tried the tightest of swaddles and then propping them on their sides with the support pillows. I was paranoid about SIDS and just too scared to put them on their tummies. However, I did allow them one sleep in the daytime on their tummies, whilst I watched them, and of course they slept like angels then.
ReplyDeleteThe first 4-5 months were horrible. Neither slept for more than 2-3 hours at a time max unless they were sleeping on our chests - but I could never relax sufficiently to sleep with them so this was not a solution. Finally, when they were 5 months-ish they learned to turn over and then pretty much instantly rolled themselves onto their stomachs as soon as they were put to bed and slept much more soundly. Being a paranoid freak I would try to reposition them on their backs, but to no avail. And after a week or so I relaxed and let them get on with it - and finally got some much needed sleep.
This is an interesting debate. In the US the whole feet to foot/no bumpers or toys in cots/sleeping on tummies has much less emphasis than in the UK. My pediatrician certainly wasn't bothered. He had an infant who slept with a dozen cuddly toys, all positioned around an overstuffed cot bumper.
And, not that this is going to happen, but if I did have another baby I think personally I would be more comfortable with allowing them to sleep on their tummy, if that's what they responded to, whilst maintaining a vigilance on all the other contributing SIDS factors.
Yes. As I said before, the only expert on raising your children is YOU.
ReplyDeleteWe were in the same situation: our first son slept well, our second did not (still does not). I put our 2nd son on his stomach to sleep within the first 2 weeks - it was more comfortable for him as he was so gassy.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to the front sleeping thing - all I know is that in N America they started the "Back to Sleep" campaign a number (?) of years ago and apparently the number of cot deaths went down by something like two thirds. So there was a dramatic effect as a result.
I understand health professionals wanting to give advice based on what they're told by the experts, but in the end only you really know what's best for your child.
It's a really hard one, when it is a question of weighing up a tiny-but-fatal risk against a daily debilitating experience. Sleep deprivation is absolutely dreadful, so it would weigh heavily in the balance, and I'm glad things worked out for good for you in making the decision you did.
ReplyDeleteBut I do also agree with Who's the Mummy. Statistically research has shown that putting babies on their backs does cut down the rate of SIDS. You made an informed decision on the basis of weighing that risk against the risk of you going mad with sleep deprivation. But the health professionals would not be doing their job properly if they didn't tell you the risks. Their job is to inform you. Your job is to make the decision.
I think it's an emotional issue with something like SIDS, because the outcome could be a fatality. With dummies, it's just a different scenario.
It seemed only natural after brest feeding to put baby on tummy. The reverse position seemed un natural. My babies all survived too!
ReplyDeleteWe lost a nephew to cot death. I have no idea whether he slept on his tummy (we are not a close family) and his parents smoked.
ReplyDeleteOur baby health people (Plunket) are very against putting baby down on tummy and bed sharing is a huge no.
Approx 45 children a year die from it in New Zealand.
I totally agree with your use your own judgment approach. SIDS deaths may indeed be down dramatically but new research shows air circulation from a fan can have an even greater effect on reducing infant deaths. Remember that a few years ago, stomach ulcers were all caused by stress, so affected people could stress themselves further by worrying that their inadequate ability to handle their own lives caused them harm, and then voila! we found H pylori, a virus, was often to blame. I am hounded by doctors who want me to make my infant bigger but to also have her on a heart healthy diet by age two to deal with a metabolic disorder, because the average baby weighs more than mine at this age. No one notices that every child my husband has produced is rail thin. Some things just can't be one size fits all.
ReplyDeleteHey Mwa,
ReplyDeleteI argue that Colic is Torture (on line with waterboarding, see September 4th post). As would-be expert, I remain anti-expert, but empathically encouraging.
Best, Bruce
@Darcy - Good luck trying to get pregnant!
ReplyDeleteI was terrified with my first, and I relaxed so much with my second - I let her try everything and she's just fine. With my first, I was way too protective.
@Maternal Tales - At least it was just a month. I know of parents who had to go through that for so much longer. I would have gone crazy.
@Who's the Mummy - I absolutely agree with you that doctors should give you all the available information. I followed all the other advice religiously. I just objected about the categorical nature of the advice. There was never a gray area. I am all for reducing SIDS.
@Pueblo Girl - I know, I know. :-)
@London City Mum - And it's lucky they are. The things I got away with at times are just too horrible to contemplate.
ReplyDelete@cartside - Exactly. Co-sleeping is another of these things. I wouldn't do it myself, but mainly because I'm so neurotic I just wouldn't ever sleep. However, I'm sure it's the right thing to do for so many people.
ReplyDelete@Debbie - Must have been cosy!
@Nicola - I have heard that there may even be a slightly elevated risk for precisely this type of child when they finally do turn over, because they will be so exhausted from never getting to sleep. I just know I would never allow it to go on that long again either.
@Ms. Moon - I know. It's just hard to go against all the well-meaning advice. You are right, though. And I'm trying to put this into practise.
@Lady Mama - Yes. I never put my son on his stomach because he slept fine. I do listen to all the advice if possible.
ReplyDelete@Iota - If you look at the statistics, though, it's not at all clear if this one factor is the contributor. If all other risk factors are taken out (mainly smoking and room temperature/air quality), the numbers are so tiny I was willing to risk it. I especially weighed it up against the impact on the development of such a small baby if she never gets to sleep.
@oemissions - I did put my son on his back after breastfeeding, but always with a burp first.
ReplyDelete@Countess - A close family friend also lost her son to SIDS. I am not minimizing the trauma involved or telling people not to follow the advice. In fact, I did a lot of research and soulsearching before making this decision. I'm only saying that it's not the only factor to consider when caring for a baby. Sometimes it seems that the baby's welfare is not weighed up properly as well.
@Ginger B - You are so right. You know best about your own child. And some children just are thin.
@Bruce - Thank you for the empathic encouragement. It's lovely to have.
Yes, I think the crucial thing is to research and make an informed decision that's right for your family - as you say, in your case the risk was miniscule anyway, your baby was far happier on her tummy, and it was something you did thoughtfully. (PS - I can't follow you on Twitter, not sure if you blocked me?!)
ReplyDeleteSometimes when all other avenues are exhuasted you just have to go with your gut.
ReplyDeleteI think guidelines are a good thing, but they are just that - guidelines. A guide, not iron clad rules.
I'm glad you found a solution.
All my kids are/were stomach sleepers from the day they were born and I dared to have anyone fight me on it. I told everyone up front about it and the only one that fought me was my MIL and she alawys had fussy kids on the days she had them for naps.
ReplyDeleteGuts are usually always right. Well meaning advice is good. I usually say to anyone I meet that's expecting..."take everyones advice with a smile and a thanks and file it away. Once you think on it a while use what YOU think is best out of it all...that will be the right answer if there ever was one to begin with".
I've always thought the "experts" never had kids anyway..they just read other expert books and made up their own from there.
I've always struggled with 'advice' because every child and parent is unique. I can understand why you went against advice because sometimes your own instinct is best. It's great to hear that it worked. My two chose to sleep on their tummies as soon as they could roll over.
ReplyDeleteThis was our story too, with my son. He startled so badly, woke himself up every few minutes. He never slept for more than one hour at a time, for six long weeks. He screamed every waking second of the day and night. I was physically ill, my husband distraught, the doctors -- pediatrician and my doctor -- were no help. Just kept saying "he's fine, you're fine, everything will get better, you're all just adjusting."
ReplyDeleteThen my mother and sister arrived for a visit. My mother took one look at me and sent me to bed. When I got up five hours later, the baby was asleep -- on his stomach with a pacifier in his mouth. I gasped, she whispered fiercely, "I know what they say about SIDS, but this baby can only sleep on his stomach." I kept protesting that he could die and she said, "Well all of you are going to die if this baby can't sleep."
My mother said I had to make sure the mattress was very firm, that to never put him down on a soft surface or with any covers. I watched him like a hawk, turned up the baby monitors, stayed awake late several nights listening to him breathing. Then took him to the pediatrician and "confessed." She agreed that was the only solution, had not understood how bad things were, but realized when she saw how much weight I'd lost (too much too quickly) and remembered a previous visit when I had almost fainted.
She repeated the advice about firm surfaces only, in fact she went further and said "only the crib mattress" or the firm mattress from a bassinet. And, again on my mother's advice, we always kept a fan on (still do!).
What a great debate! I'm a real sceptic about professional advice because I suspect much of it is a 'one size fits all' solution and that ideas of 'best practice' change relatively frequently. As you saw from my recent post, Mwa, I slept EP on her tummy for a while and it worked very well. The value of proper sleep cannot be under-rated!
ReplyDelete