I'm thinking of ditching my real life avatar and moving online permanently. Who needs a body anyway? I bet online legs never need to get shaved.
My real life this morning started out in the Siberian wasteland that is our bathroom. When I'd finally thawed myself off the toilet, I came downstairs to Marie bringing me her "little green snot" (huge bogey) on the top of her index finger, and Jack sneezing all over our food every five minutes going "Mama, I sneezed", expecting a tissue on a golden platter or something. The box was less than a foot from his dripping infectious nose. This was followed by a half hour hunt for Marie's "other boot" through the black hole of despair where the children's clothes go to live when they're worn, but not dirty enough to go in the wash - only to find said boot later in a different part of the room entirely.
The rest of the day I'm planning to spend on the rescuscitation of this house in preparation for the babysitter coming tonight, with a toddler who is going to "help". I don't know what possessed me to get a local babysitter, and a former pupil of mine for good measure. I care too much about the state of my house when she comes. It doesn't have to sparkle, but I try to avoid vermin running around and too many dirty nappies in unexpected places. I should really get a foreigner instead. Preferably illegal. Far less likely to get the principal of the school where I want to work again in the future to hear of that six day old spaghetti still sitting in its pot in the kitchen. Maybe I could adopt a little Albanian family and get a cleaner and a handyman in the bargain.
Now my online life? Completely different kettle of electronic fish. My readership has positively exploded in the last couple of days (more than fifty visitors - hello there!) which is making my online persona very very happy. You sent me many comments, all of which made me smile, and none of which mentioned a little green snot. I've found some lovely new online friends - some of them even send me gay porn and frankly who can ask for more in a new online friend? Also, I am the Twitter friend of many many celebrities. Actually, I only follow them so far, but surely it's only a matter of time before they all follow me back.
Maybe when I move online, I should get some electronic kids and an electronic husband. We could have online bogeys and online sex (maybe not). Maybe I'll put some digital rice krispies on the digital floor of my digital house, for old time's sake. But no more ironing, no more cleaning, no more stepping in raisins that were left on the floor. Online nappies? Delete.
I don't know why, but writing all that just gave me an uncontrollable urge to go and cuddle my real-life daughter, bogeys and all. So, okay, maybe I won't move completely online. Yet. But real life? You have been warned.
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Sounds like real life is being a bitch. I highly recommend you move online. I'll even share my snot with you :)
ReplyDelete@Mad Woman - Thank you. For the electronic bogey.
ReplyDeleteThis post is really funny, & the end is really sweet.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way sometimes - my online buddies seem to understand me better, I'm funnier, I can more myself. Then I see one of my real kids & think "yeah, real life is better".
You are so right! My online life is much easier to run than my real life. It's full of fun with no cleaning to speak of. It doesn't however, give good cuddles like my husband or sloppy kisses like my little boy.
ReplyDeleteFor now I'll stick to real life but only until my washing basket overflows.
Much better to stay in the "real" world -- the online one may dissapoint.
ReplyDeleteNothing personal, but I'll keep my snot to myself. =)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of getting a mother's helper for 'homework time' at our house. Someone to play with the two younger kids so I can concentrate on the two older kids and their homework...
ReplyDeleteOr I can just wait till Jeremiah gets home from work and he can do homework with his stepdaughters and I can play with the two younger kids...
Much cheaper, at least. haha.
One does wonder how one human head can produce as much snot as it can. Especially in a child. In real life.
ReplyDeleteWhich is where, when it all comes down to it, we must live.
I may move online just so I don't have to shave. That sounds delightful.
ReplyDeleteI may decide to become taller for my online body. But then, I wouldn't be as good at playing hide and seek.
ReplyDeleteScrew real life. I'm moving online too.
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I'm not the only one who cleans for the babysitter. My neighbor's daughter is coming tomorrow and I am in a blind panic.
ReplyDeleteI hope your breakfast tomorrow is snot-free.
if you get that Albanian family find out who their cousins are
ReplyDelete@tinman - I ALWAYS think that. It's so nice how online you can pick friends who think alike, or at least alike enough not to annoy you. Real life is not always so kind. But - yeah - the kids, they are a definite plus for the real life camp.
ReplyDelete@notsuchayummymummy - The overflowing washing basket is one of the reasons I'm considering it too.
@A Modern Mother - I suppose. (Grumble.)
@Badass Geek - Thank you!
@erin - Cheaper, and less cleaning to do.
ReplyDelete@Ms. Moon - Real life snot is neverending.
@Erin - I know - and there are so many more perks.
@laughykate - I don't need to get taller. But I could get me some smaller thighs.
@Aunt Becky - We should set up online house together. We'd have a great time.
@Meredith - That's awful. We used to get the neighbour's daughter, too, but that was TOO close to home. :-) Good luck.
@bernthis - I will. Their cousins who have moved to America. I'm sure they will have some.
Yes, an online only existence sounds very appealing. I bet cyper poop is much easier to clean than the real stuff.
ReplyDelete@Cristin - Indeed: delete!
ReplyDeletehahaha! cyber poop! the cyber sex certainly wouldn't be as messy. but really, what fun is it to be clean ALL the time? I suppose we'd settle for a happy medium, for just SOMETIMES?!
ReplyDelete