This is what I did when I felt the time was right:
Jack was three. I was pregnant with Marie, and we told him of my pregnancy around his third birthday. It didn't take him very long to ask exactly how this child got in there. I was PREPARED! Because I hadn't been sure how to explain all of this to a small child and exactly how much information I should share, I got myself a picture book to read with him. (I'm a bit of a coward, but at least I'm a well-informed and well-prepared coward.) I chose the Dutch version of Babette Cole's "Mummy Laid an Egg!". There are a lot of books with the express purpose of explaining procreation to very young children. They take all the scariness out. They're funny, not too graphic and don't even name names. (I named names, I'm not squeamish that way.)
When the question came, I sat him down, got the book out and we read it together. We laughed at the pictures and the preposterous suggestions ("some children are brought by a dinosaur"), and then he learned how babies are made. No one was embarrassed. The questions that came were so innocent, they were very easy to deal with. I was truthful, without giving too much information. There are things a three year old just isn't ready for. Then we read the book again. And again. And again. And then again an hour later. And again. And again the next day and again the next. Until he could tell me everything by himself and he was satisfied that he understood. And that's how he learned how babies are made. I shared this beautiful experience with him and I wouldn't have missed that for the world.
My children will learn about sex one way or another, and I would rather their first information came from me. I'm all about the mind control. I'd be worried about what exactly they would learn in the playground otherwise. There is so much misinformation out there, I want my children to be happy to come to me with questions. (My own mother wanted to talk about sex so much we had to beat her off with a stick, but now I see that she was right. About that at least.)
Please tell me how you (would) deal with this. I would love to know. Please say if you disagree as well, and why you would rather not tell children until they are older or even never. Perhaps your child was made another way. How do you deal with that information? I am rather fond of debate. I promise to respect all opinions.
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Sorry but if he is anything like me, he will forget all about these talks. Unless you repeat it like every single year until he really starts getting embarassed and wishes you would stop. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteWell. My kids know as soon as they are old enough to ask, at age appropriate levels. Meaning that my two oldest not only have access to birth control but also know how to put it on. A penis is a penis, a vagina is either a vagina or a "pachina," depending on who is saying it, and when jokes are made amongst family members they are "boobs" but otherwise known as breasts. Also, my two teens know exactly how an abortion is performed and when it might be the best choice, plus alos have seen firsthand the heartbreak AND joy of an unexpected pregnancy (my own), and know how hard it is. So-I think if we pussy-foot around the subject, if we are too embarrassed to be honest with our kids-not just about the biology but how we feel and believe-then we are doing them a grave disservice. And will probably be grannies before we want to be.
ReplyDeleteHm. Did I take it too far? :) Would The Bumba approve?
I did exactly the same as you. No "baby" talk from this mum. A penis has always been a penis.It stops all the embarrassment later when you do try to have that serious talk. Now that they are young men they're not so keen to talk sex with their old mum but I don't beat around the bush (so to speak:-) and tell them like it is.
ReplyDeleteHard one subject for me this for various reasons. I think one of the greatest gifts you can give your children growing up as an appropriate attitude towards sex. To make sure they know it's natural, normal, not shameful or dirty, and later that it needs to be handled responsibly and bound up with ideas of consent and respect and all the rest.
ReplyDeleteThe only way you can do this is to talk talk talk about it. Never make it a taboo subject, it needs to be natural to talk about it as a family. And the earlier you can do this the better.
Needless to say I didn't have any of the above growing up and it was incredibly damaging.
xx
How's this? I bought that book years ago when my older two were probably still in nappies and I had no idea what it was about, I must have just grabbed a pile of 3 for 2s in Waterstones and it sneaked in. Needless to say they read it themselves when they were about 4 or 5 and found it utterly hilarious! I have spent many a night since describing just how hard it is to do it on a skateboard or spacehopper. Do they have a healthy attitude now they are teenagers? Dunno, we tell mucky jokes and take the piss out of them and they laugh - does that count as healthy?
ReplyDelete@Megan - We still read the book. And we're moving on to "more advanced" topics now he's five. I just hope I talk about it enough. Thanks for the wishes.
ReplyDelete@Kori - I'm not looking forward to the talks when they are teenagers. The world seems to be so much more complicated just now. Condoms only arrived in our house after my little brother became a teenager. When I was his age, it just didn't seem all that pertinent.
The Bumba loves this. Wonderful comment.
@Countess - I have also used the Flemish kids' words, but they make me uncomfortable for some reason. Probably because I still struggle with my own vocabulary in these things. I'm trying to make it easier on the children.
@Josie - A great gift indeed, but such a hard one to tackle, I'm guessing. I shall try, though.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience. xxx
@MrsW - I know! That skateboard is great! Mucky jokes are probably a must. I don't know what healthy is. I'll get back to you when my own are teenagers, and I've made all my mistakes.
Great topic. I have yet to broach it with my two boys. It hasn't really come up in discussion, although I wouldn't be frightened or avoid the subject. I always use the correct genital names and we do talk about them growing in my tummy but as yet they haven't asked either a) how they got there or b) how they got out. But I ought to get ahead of the game and research one or two appropriate books and get them in pronto. This was a fantastic prompt. Guess what Santa might put in their stocking??? Not sure what ex is going to think about that.
ReplyDeleteWhether or not sex education should be taught in schools is a hot topic under debate, as it has been seemingly forever. Given a well planned, responsible program I see no reason why it shouldn't Nevertheless, The initial (and continuing) responsibility to teach different aspect of the subject to children is that of parents. And to do so they should use a children's book on the subject (especially one that starts with the birds and the bees). In my opinion the very best of all is HOW BABIES ARE MADE from Time Life Books and Little Brown & Company. It's available on Amazon as a used book (it was in print for 35 years all over the world).
ReplyDeleteI did like you- I got some books. And we read them. And we talked about them. And it was fine. And then...and then! Because I was a nurse, my daughters' Girl Scout troop leader asked me to come and discuss menstruation with the girls. I did. With books. And answered questions. And that went so well they asked me to come back and discuss the SEX! Well, my poor daughters. They had already read the books, had the questions answered but here was their mommy, talking about all these topics with their friends!
ReplyDeleteOh well. We all survived. It was awesome.
It's funny though, how difficult it can be to discuss sex with our children and I think it all boils down to that moment when they say, "And you and Daddy????!!!..."
Yes dear. Me and Daddy. We have done that too.
I'm not sure we have a policy as such, we just talk about it honestly if the subject comes up. ither Kerry or I will probably have "the talk" with Amy when shes 8 or 9 to make sure she's got all the facts, but I imagine she will.
ReplyDeleteHow I WOULDN'T do it: send innocent young child to library with letter of parental authorisation to pick up book of librarian's choosing. Sit down on edge of bed with child in the day-time (uncomfortable, unusual, indicating "let's get this over with"). Flick quickly through book together - book full of grainy black and white pictures of tadpoles and eggs. Mutter about Daddy's "thing" and "holes", shut book and consider task completed. Leave child with idea that mummy and daddy put their bellybuttons together, due to unwillingness to discuss anatomy. Fail to keep the stash of porn in the wardrobe out of child's reach, thus ensuring that child's first contact with "sex education" is pornography...
ReplyDeleteYour method sounds much nicer....
I totally copped out...I said that babies are made when two people love each other and they want to have a baby together. Then Jeremiah chirped in and said that God puts the baby in the momma's belly.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was tricking them...I just was not prepared at all. It was especially tricky when Rose figured out that the baby comes out of the peepee (as we refer to it around here)...after she gave Olivia that info, Olivia jumped to the obvious conclusion that if that's how it comes out, that's how it goes in...
@Nicola - Yay! Great thing for in their stockings. Do share how it went. (If you like.)
ReplyDelete@Anonymous - I'll look into that. We're about due a more "detailed book" because after all we're two years on.
@Ms. Moon - What a great priviledge, to tell all these girls. It must have been strange for your girls indeed. :-)
@Dan - I know of a lot of girls these days getting their periods before the age of 10, so I suppose you're right about 9 being a cutoff age.
@Pueblo girl - That does sound like an awful way to have "the talk." I was exposed to some porn early on, too, and I'm still grateful it was of the hippyish kind (anatomically plausible women with hair in all the right places).
@erin - I can imagine it would be difficult if you're surprised by the topic. Maybe in the future you will be able to all sit down together and elaborate a little on the information gathered so far. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI find it fascinating and reassuring that people responding here had such thoughtful things to say - I think my mom THOUGHT she was prepared, but the way she described it to me was something people do when they can't help themselves, and so I grew up thinking it was for the morally weak. Boy, did I ever have some re-work to do =o) just that parents are responsible in thinking about it... nice. maybe the how just gets bumbled thru and that is the most important thing(?)
ReplyDeleteI spent much of my early years believing that daddy weed into mummy's tummy button! Eventually, my parents got a cartoon type book, and casually left it on the bookshelf for us. By then, I was old enough to find the entire subject very cringy, had I had to actually discuss it with them. With us, the debate is now about sex education in school, and how much detail they go into. Many parents are very anti gay relationships being discussed, for example. Anyway, your Mummy Laid an Egg book sounds at about my level in many ways. And I never know what to call things. I can't bear all those 'wiggle' type words, but the real ones sound far too graphic.
ReplyDelete@Laura Lee - Glad you worked through it. ;-) I always got the impression it was something entered into freely by consenting adults, so I suppose that was good. I honestly don't know how to get that across, but I suppose it will happen because I'm always talking talking talking anyway with the kids.
ReplyDelete@angelsandurchins - Weed into a tummy button. That is quite a concept. And while no doubt some people quite like that (maybe your parents had that kind of sex? ;-) ) - not quite right. I suppose I took care of the whole gay thing when the second wedding my son ever went to was a gay one. He's only been to two, so he seems to think half of all marriages are gay.
I do recommend the book. It's a very subtle one, to ease you in.
Ha, funny, I sent a Fanfiction friend a mail thismorning, mentioned that the Irish word for penis translates as 'rod of anger', and she and her husband laughed so much, and agreed that this probably said a lot about sex with Irish men that their six year old called downstairs 'are you guys doing sex down there?'.
ReplyDeleteI plan to just answer my daughter's questions as and when she asks them. I'm sticking to reproductive information rather than recreational is the way to go, Like that men can have boyfriends and her auntie has a girlfriend. But I guess it's all need to know.
ah..been there..done that..and thankfully didnt messed it up..which i actually was scrared off...so..in the picture are..me.."replacement-father" of two boys which i adopted with all my love..and mini-santiago1..age 7 and mini-santiago2 age 8...
ReplyDeleteit was last summer when i thought that this kind of conversation wasnt far anymore..mini2 had started to show several signs of physical puberty..even though he still had a 8years old mind his body startet to do all the things they usually dont do before 13...and then one day he told me that a girl in school had kissed him..and how ugly that has been..that was when mini1 answered: oh..she possibly just wanted sex from you...
she possibly JUST wanted sex???? i knew it was about time to speak about certain things...and so i bought books...and we read them together and i answered all the questions they had about egg-cells and semen and everything...
and somehow that worked pretty well...
Your way of doing it sounds great. We've not yet broached the subject but I might get that book in preparation for when it comes up. Honesty is definitely the best policy and I agree it needs to be age relevant so as not to scare them.
ReplyDeleteI really, really don't understand any parent who would want to opt out of sex ed in school.
@Jo - I love that, rod of anger. Brilliant. That conjures up many many possible stories to me straightaway.
ReplyDelete@Danielle - Ah! The famous Danielle, come to visit my page. Welcome! I shall now have to give in and become another of your fans.
I'm glad your sex conversation worked out well. I think we're due for a refresher course over here, so thank you for giving me courage. x
@Very Bored Housewife - It does seem strange to opt out of that, unless you have worries about it being done badly and you think you can do better. I'm thinking of religious schools and the way they may approach it.
ReplyDeleteah now you made me all blush:-)
ReplyDeleteactually i visit your blog since a while secretly :-)
We haven't arrived at this point yet. When we get there I'll just answer the questions as they arise. To be honest, I have no plan. Just, um, honesty. I think the book you mentioned looks good.
ReplyDeleteI think honesty is the best policy. My parents didn't talk about those things and we were always told a seed is pushed through your belly button and 9 months later, the baby just pops out the belly button. Ha! Our sex education was left up to what we were told at school but that was one 30 minute biology lesson in which we were given a book and told to copy out the diagrams. My Mum did bring the topic up when I met the man but that is not really a story I could share here!
ReplyDeleteThankfully the man is very direct/blunt/honest and believes in always telling the truth rather than skirting round an issue. I think he'd be very good at explaining how babies are made.
My parents, more my Mum though, can't talk honestly about certain things or get embarrassed saying real names of certain body parts. I never want that kind of relationship with any children we may have. I want them to be able to talk to us and not worry about asking questions. Nothing to be embarrassed about and I'd prefer if they hear the facts from us.
There's only one way we can go, when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteGive them the blog address.
Heh.
ReplyDeleteI'd totally tell them that I found them in the fridge one day and then scamper away. OBVIOUSLY.
ReplyDeleteI'm in complete agreement, of course. My kids got the information as they asked for it, using age appropriate language and/or props (like books and pictures). My older children were present at their younger siblings' births, so they needed straight information!
ReplyDeleteAnd now that they are all three sexually active, they get straight information about the issues surrounding that. The only one who cringes a bit about the discussions is the youngest (she's 16), but I don't let a little cringing get in the way of sharing necessary information. I just make sure I do it efficiently!
@Danielle - Well, thanks for delurking then.
ReplyDelete@Lady Mama - Ah, but what if they never ask?
@Fatbrideslim - You were actually told that? That's criminal.
It's fine as long as you're both willing to talk about it. I'm the one who does most of the talking over here, I'm sure it's just as good if the man does it. As long as someone does.
@@Xbox - You make me laugh, Xbox. I take it your kid only gets the information at eighteen then.
@Aunt Becky - OBVIOUSLY.
@MaryP - That would be a definite cause for some straight talking, yes. I'm not sure how I'll deal with this when my children are older. I hope I keep talking with them, and that I manage to keep up conversations. I'm dreading the thought of having to negotiate a sexually active teen, though. Tough one.
I admire your approach. We are a little skiddish on how to handle this not quite "straight" forward subject in our two mom household. Any thoughts? (our children were conceived via artificial insemination)
ReplyDeleteI am totally with you. How awful it would be to sit one's child down for "The Talk" only to find out that a best friend had already done the job for you in 3rd grade.
ReplyDeleteI posted on this very subject here
http://blogiota.blogspot.com/2009/09/wonderfully-weird-parenting-part-lv.html
and - I've just checked - you commented.