So I've found out what's wrong with my blog. Tonight, I made myself a chocolate spread and banana sandwich, and I arranged the slices of banana in a regular three-by-four grid. The slice in the left-most position of the bottom row of banana slices was considerably thinner than the other slices, so I added another slice on top to compensate. I did not remove the thin slice and substitute a thicker one - no, I doubled it up, thereby completely destroying the beauty, regularity, symmetry and perfection of my sandwich through sheer laziness and lack of attention to detail. And that is what is wrong with my blog, and why I have lost a quarter of my readers (20!) in the last couple of months. That, and my incessant whining about winter. And the fact that I took a two week break. And morning sickness. And my absence from Twitter. And the lack of gay porn mentions. And maybe the fact that most of those lovely lovely readers have lives (how inconsiderate), are sick or simply have better stuff to do.
(Hey regular and loyal readers, I love you and appreciate you more than you know. Please don't think I like these other people better. I just have some nerd-girl issues. Not so popular girl in school discovers internet audience, now can't get enough of the virtual love - that kind of nerd-girl issue.)
I have a five step plan to remedy this problem:
- More attention to detail. No virtual banana slice will be doubled up.
- More posts like yesterday's. (Yes, I can see you lurking at the back. You didn't watch my movie, did you? It's not too late. I spent hours!)
- No more morning sickness.
- More gay porn references.
- I'm going to gather up all my courage and ask very politely if I might be considered for the Tots100 index of the UK's top 100 parent blogs. I know I'm not British, so they will no doubt refuse me. Even if they don't, I probably won't make it into the top 100. But I shall try. I have some arguments against me (I'm not British), but I also have some in my favour. I was, after all, British Mummy Blogger of the Week as elected by Potty Mummy one week. I also have British children and a British husband. I have two British degrees, am an English teacher and an Anglophile. Oh, and I don't fit into any other category of blogger. So. I've decided to go for it.
Look, people, I know this is all very unimportant compared to, say, the problems in Haiti or Iraq, or what you had for breakfast (Porridge, really? - Gross!), or global warming. But hey, this blog is what's keeping me (relatively) sane in this time of child-rearing and bottom-wiping, so I obsess about it sometimes. Any hints for more (desirable) traffic gratefully accepted. (By desirable traffic I mean lovely people I'd want to interact with. I'm not listing my blog on a porn site or anything.)
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ah mwa..dont worry..i love ur blog n matter if morning sick, hollyday breaked or whatever...:-) and i m sure i m not the only one..:-)
ReplyDeleteand as long as you dont have any gayporn to show you can promote mine..hehe..i recently have out three gay sex stories..in english language written and publishe din american books..yes!
@Danielle - You're lovely. Thank you. Isn't it silly how the loveme-hateme-likeme-loatheme cycle never gets turned off? You'd think after all the living and loving and therapy and good times with friends, I'd get over it.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to read your stories. No doubt you have a bibliography on your site? I shall come and look.
I was expecting to see your belly button popping out.
ReplyDeleteAhhh don't get too down, the are millions of blogs out their fighting over readers. Actually it really bothers me that bloggers who post loads of cute animal pictures get comments in the 100s??!!! Don't go down that route - your ramblings are fab-u-lous! Bring on the gay porn!
I actually DID have porridge (is that what we Americans call oatmeal?), with dried cranberries instead of raisins, because I think raisins are the devil's fruit. I, too, lament having lost MOST of my readers-so I am totally with you there. I don't fit in anywhere at all, and what little popularity I used to have is gone....so blah. I think I will just write about whatever the hell I want to write about.
ReplyDelete@ mwa..yeah it never stops..and even the strong and the ones with a lot courage lay awake at night and ask theirself..do they love me..does she..does he..does god..cindy crawford or who ever like me hate me love me? it never stops..and thank your for the compliment
ReplyDeleteyeah there is one at my page at www.desantiago.de...but its in german...my english stories can be found in girlcrazy by saachi green...sextime by christopher pierce as well as in surferboys by neil plakcy..:-)
You bring the smile to my face even if you don't have the solution to global warming. Now I will go and watch your movie. :)
ReplyDeleteYou have a very nice navel, my dear. Also, the internet has a notoriously short attention span - readers come and go, not always due to anything you do or write.
ReplyDeleteYou could ask for a review at "Ask and ye shall receive", but check their page out first - you need to be brave to submit there!
Hello! First visit here, and I love it already. So you must be doing something right - and I must have pushed up your stats too....
ReplyDeleteI think about things like this all day long. We have an illness. Don't worry about your readership. Write for yourself and the joy will leak out and spread through the blogoverse.
ReplyDeleteI think your blog is great - posts like your movies and gay porn(!) are really original and creative and what is a blog for if not for navel gazing sometimes?. Personally I have found quite a few new readers through being on Twitter; despite resisting it for a long time I now totally respect it as a tool for spreading the word. But don't get too hung up on readership - the internet is a very fickle place!
ReplyDeleteand maybe if you had a change of heart and decided to love your cats you would lure all the crazy cat lady librarians, like me. Well, you already lured me, before i knew about your cat hate. Oh well. love you anyway.
ReplyDeletelove this post.
it is really all about the banarnas.
That 20% are probably buried in snow in DC and without electricity. Buck up. Soon it will be spring. Your die hard fans have fired up the gas generators in the back yard just to see you!! :)
ReplyDeleteAlso I would loove to nominate you for best mommy blogger, but will they freak when they find out you post nothing but gay prn with playmoble dolls? is there a prn parenting subcategory?
A blogger who obsesses about their blog? I'd never dream of doing such a thing! Grin. And I love what Ms Moon wrote: write for yourself and the love will spread throughout Blogland. Funny how the best advice for writers/bloggers is always 'write for yourself'. Because it's true I'm finding. Relucantly. Cheers, Nigel.
ReplyDeleteI don't worry about this at ALL really.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I think my forrays into gay porn scared people away...
I like you just the way you are as well. Totally interesting soggy bottoms and gay porn included :)
ReplyDeleteI expected to see a pregnant belly button too.
ReplyDeleteThat's a very funny title. Gonna check out yesterday's post
Aww, I still love your blog, whining or not. Blogging can be the most wonderful and also the most unkind thing (or so it seems) sometimes... I agree with nappy valley girl - the Internet is a fickle place. Don't stress about it too much. Do what you enjoy...
ReplyDeleteYou could always make another sandwich, and post a picture of it. Now THAT would attract readers! Er, hmm. I wonder if this is why *I* have no readers...
ReplyDeleteFun fact! The official word for the thing you use to stir porridge is a spurtle!! (I hope I spelled that right.) And you thought it was called a spoon--WRONG. Looks like a big thumping stick that you could use to threaten your children with if they whine about having porridge for breakfast again.
It wasen't you it was me I swear! I quit reading everyone for awhile and took a break but if you keep your promise for gay porn mentions I will totally check back every hour ;)
ReplyDelete"I arranged the slices of banana in a regular three-by-four grid". Classic. Love it. Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteMwwa! I will read you no matter what you discuss, but I have a demand... MORE GAY PORN!!! YAH!!
ReplyDeleteI like anything Playmobil, gay or straight. Yet the one time I used an entire Monty Python Holy Grail desk set I got no comments at all. None.
ReplyDeleteI do want to pay you a compliment, though. In addition to reading what you write because I like it, I generally read all your comments because I really like the diversity of your readers. So you are doing something right.
I keep coming back. You have something that appeals to me. It might be the gay porn. But I'll never admit it.
ReplyDeleteWell I really did love your childcare movie and those you have lost don't know what they missed. This blogging does get to everyone, doesn't it? A comment left on my post about not having a life any more said we should start a BA (Bloggers Anonymous)(Actually, that might have been you..)
ReplyDelete@Victoria - You people! I'm not even four months pregnant yet. My belly button never even popped with the other two. Oh, and I think you're safe with the cute animal pictures.
ReplyDelete@Kori - Oatmeal is the devil's fruit!
I remember being very shy around your blog and never daring to comment before you had your break. I like what you write about.
@Danielle - Cindy Crawford eh? I have that question more with Hugh Laurie.
@Angie Muresan - Awww. I'm working on it.
@Pueblo girl - Yeah, I considered that for a while, but then I know they would have nothing good to say about my layout at least and while I have been thinking of changing away from the blue, I still haven't found exactly what I want.
@planb - Ah, thank you!
@Ms. Moon - It is an illness indeed. I was leaking, but now I think I have an obstruction. :-)
ReplyDelete@nappy valley girl - It is fickle. I suppose I've been just as bad - every other week or so I "cull" some blogs from my reader. Never commenters, though - coincidentally. :-)
@Bethany - Life IS all about the bananas. And of all crazy cat librarians, I like you best anyway.
@Eurydice - That's it. I'm blaming it on the snow. Thanks! And I thought all mommies liked gay porn?
@Nigel - Yeah. It is unheard of, isn't it?
Well, I like your blog the way it is. But I'm only an occasional, recent visitor so ignore me.
ReplyDeleteI'm still giggling to myself at the thought of that movie, though.
@Jo - You must be a very well-balanced person then. :-)
ReplyDelete@Meghan - Soggy bottoms: now there's a topic I've been neglecting!
@michelle - Three and a half months! Not twins!
@Lady Mama - And I yours...
@Sahara - I do not torture my children in this cruel and unusual way. I could try the spoon, though...
@mountainmomma - Aha! The culprit! If you're twenty people.
@Megan - xx
@carissajaded - Sometimes I think you only like me for my gay porn. ;-)
@GingerB - I am so coming to look for that post and commenting on it. I love my readers, too. I also like the way they are getting to know each other - there is crosscontamination going on here.
@Mad Woman - Your secret is safe here.
@Diney - I think part of the problem is that I have been getting more of a life, and therefore I've not been commenting on everyone quite as frantically. Nevermind - I'm all happy after all these reactions, so I've decided the best readers are here already.
@dadwhowrites - Why thank you! Occasional, recent - I take my visitors any way they come. (No, that was not meant to sound dirty.)
ReplyDeleteGirl, I love you just how you are.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any suggestions, but I can say that I'm not going anywhere.
ReplyDeleteIt's February - the January FUG is over (woohoo!) and I am reading again. Can I vote for more animated movies? They are utterly brilliant - and can I email you with the 1 million problem I seem to have getting that ruddy software to run? (maybe not that many but enough to annoy me -- and I'm not easily annoyed - ask anyone....)
ReplyDeleteHello my sweet.
ReplyDeleteYou are perfect. Just as you are. Some of your loyal readers may be having a few 'issues' which makes them neglectful and introspective, that's all (and by some I mean one), but that doesn't mean they don't love you or think of you or go back to look at your gay porn posts when they're having a bad day. Ahem.
And because third person seems to suit today those readers also just wanted to say that popularity? Way over rated. And quiet anonymity? Very attractive.
Just keep doing what you're doing girl xxx
you got 33 comments for this post. You're doing rather fine methinks. Tell me more about morning / all day sickness. It helps.
ReplyDeleteYour not in the Tots 100? How not? You'd def. be in it because you've got way more readers than some of us (points at self) and some of us are still in it rather higher than they themselves expect.
So you got 34 (35, now) comments, mostly because people love reading YOUR comments. Don't worry about the numbers. Just bring your best voice and sing, baby.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahaa, well balanced... hahahahahahaha.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm just lazy.
?Having worked out from my stats that virtually all my trafficis from people looking at pictures in google, I decided to just give up worrying about it. And then it didn't really make any difference.
The thing that does get to me is looking back at old comments and seeing blogger people I used to be close to who drifted away...
That spurtle comment filled me with delight. clever clever :)
I will continue to lurk/read, but I must admit, I do miss the gay porn. Which says more about how bad I am than it does you.
ReplyDeleteI'm late to this banana slice party, and I can't be bothered to read the comments, so forgive me if I am duplicating what other people have said.
ReplyDelete'Who's the Mummy?' blog often has posts about maximising your traffic. I never bother myself, but I made a mental note once that if I ever wanted to, 'Who's the Mummy?' blog would be a good place to go. Also, 'A Modern Mother' recently did a post, about that kind of stuff, and had some suggestions - and she'd done posts in the past about it too.
Twitter seems to be the in-thing, but I don't do that either.
In fact, I don't have any expertise in the subject, so I'll just shut up.