So that lump on my back is a fat ball. A bobble of lard. A mass of grease. Oh yeah. What is up with this body of mine that it is growing extra bits all over the place? The baby I signed up for. The bigger boobs I knew were coming. But extra bit of cartilage on my ribs and now lumps of lard on my spine? That I did not expect or ask for. (Not to mention the two beard hairs ...moving quickly on...) Is this normal? Is this what women's bodies do after a certain age? All fine until thirty, and then you start growing extra parts, just for the frigging freak factor?
The official name of this thing is "lipoma," which I should NOT have Wikipediaed because now I have in my mind words like "tumor", "liposarcoma" and "malignant transformation" (apparently very unlikely to happen). I should NEVER Wikipedia any medical condition. It's hasn't ever ended prettily.
My grandad had one of these things on the top of his head. It got as large as a ping pong ball and eventually he had it cut out. Bridge-cross-if-and-when.
Maybe I should see this as a good thing. In case of a nuclear disaster, I can puncture my extra store of fat and use it to fry up my remaining eggs. The beard hairs could be used for mending socks. The cartilage I can't immediately think of a use for, but lard-wise we're sorted.
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Glad that it was nothing serious and laughing my arse off at your last paragraph. xx
ReplyDeleteOk. Last paragraph hilarious. I am with you, stupid chinny chin chin hairs and all. Who designed such assery?? I mean,WHY? Is it because we're meant to be dead after 30? And have babies at 15?
ReplyDeleteOMG! I have one of those lumps too - have been worried for so long and crying silently to myself when hubby, 4 kids and cat asleep (obviously have to fit in 7 hrs of crying into 7 mins!). I finally plucked up the courage to confide in my hubby and asked him to take a look. As he was taking a peek I thought of all the good times and where I kept my will etc and after a while he cleared his throat and said 'Babe - that's your arse' - BASTARD!
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question, I can cheerfully say from experience that yes, this is what happens as you age. I'm sure you're glad I've shared that, but it could be worse - at least women don't start growing beards out of their noses and ears, like men.
ReplyDeleteYes, these are common and in men as well as women so...
ReplyDeleteThe cure in the old south used to be to hit them very hard with the biggest book in the house- the Bible. Seriously. Since this one is on your back, I wouldn't try that.
Now calm down, honey. You're still young and you have your best decade to look forward to. I promise.
Oh no please DONT fry eggs in your lard sac. Errgh.
ReplyDeleteI had a dream the other night after reading your post..I dreamt that my middle toe had grown to abou thte length of my arm and a second big toe also appeared. Thanks for that!
My daughter, at 13, has already had at least a couple of those fat ball things on her back. Dermatologist said no big deal.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I once saw something on tv that said that once we get into our 40's our noses and ears grow again. I'm going to look for a nice balaclava. Glad you are ok, don't go inspecting your body for a new bit to worry about now. No good will come of it!
ReplyDeleteOk so you have a lardish lipoma on your back...but only 2 beard hairs??!! wtf? I have at least 102 beard hairs and my God they are more tenacious than any other follicle I have encountered, even some of my pubic ones (and that, my friend, is saying something). If it gets any worse maybe we should just join the circus. I can be the great bearded lady and you can be lardy back lady. Just a thought.
ReplyDelete@Very Bored in Catalunya - Not as glad as I am! xx
ReplyDelete@Jo - I know - it's ridiculous. Maybe it's to keep our chins warm now the boobs go South. Just a thought.
@Madmamof4 - That story made me laugh so much! Thanks.
@Pueblo girl - Thanks. Just the information I needed. I suppose at least I'm prepared now.
@Ms. Moon - Thank you, Ms. Moon. I will try and breathe some more.
@screamish - You're welcome! ;-) I hope it wasn't too horrible. Isn't it weird how we infect each other with our ideas like that?
@Steph - Did they go away again?
@fiona - Hey! The problem with your idea is that balaclavas show your nose. We need burkas I reckon.
@Nicola - I love you and will happily run away to the circus with you. That is all.
Well, I don't know---I'm not growing anything---everything is just getting smaller and smaller. Yes, our noses and ears may continue to grow. ..but WE SHRINK. My daughters swear that I've started the process already and I'm shorter. And after breast feeding two children, my boobs shrunk. Those kids sucked the life out of them. I'm practically concave now. So unfair. Maybe I could get a lard transplant.
ReplyDeleteBabes has decided my cartilage is being used for spearheads. He's nothing if not practical, that man.
ReplyDelete@Nappy Valley Housewife - I will donate my lard to you! Everyone will be happy.
ReplyDeleteI have those - you have diagnosed me - the doctor offered me Fucudin H to rub on them - I said well at least put betnovate in it ffs and it'll clear up the eczema as I rub it in - arse - yeah I suspect he writes prescriptions for Fucidin H for piles - arse.
ReplyDeleteIf it's not the hair growing on my chin, it's the hair around my nipples. Too much?
ReplyDelete@MrsW - Ha! I'm an internet doctor now. Cool!
ReplyDelete@Erin - Not too much information at all. Just helps to make me feel less freakish. For which - thanks!
Oh my. Very vivid description!
ReplyDeleteBut don't worry, I had the exact same thing on my back, got it removed a few years ago. Best thing to do. Good luck.
I know I should probably say something sympathetic but that last paragraph is just too funny!
ReplyDeleteOh no I missed all the weird lard bump worries! You poor thing, all this stress is not what you need.
ReplyDeleteI thought of an extra use for it - you should get babes to draw a face on it then when 'those' people ask why you're not working you can say that you're waiting for the surgery to have your Siamese twin removed and show them.
(and if you need to feel better about the beard hair you can come see me... Did I ever mention my stomach grew a beard when I was pregnant?)
Hugs to you lovely. I am joking to try and make you smile but actually I think this is all rather sucky for you and I want to come give you a hug xx
Good job you're not here in California, you'd be headed for extra lipo! No one's allowed any extra bits of fat.
ReplyDeletewow that is weird, no tthe beard hairs of course, the lard lump I mean.. My hubby get s similar lump repeatedly on hislower back, which, being a bloke, he dug out himself first time, yeurrgh! it's like a hard white polystryrene ball. Alway scome sback eventually in the same place, but always remains tiny. Aren't bodies weirdly horribly fascinating sometimes!
ReplyDeletemmmm back fat. Next will be muffin tops and corns. You'll never have to grocery shop again!
ReplyDeleteI have 2 long Beard hairs ( I call them my witchy poos)just under my chin which normally I'd just pull out. But now my middle aged eyesight means I have to wear glasses to see them in the mirror and also have to tilt my head back at a funny angle........which means I can't see them even with glasses on! How much can one asks one partner to do for them?
ReplyDeleteSorry hun but lumps and extra hair seem to come with the territory of being female.
It's strange what the body does when we're pregnant. Extra things grow where they shouldn't. Looking things up on Wikipedia is always dangerous and causes unnecessary worry. So don't do it!
ReplyDeleteThirty? Just wait till you pass forty...
ReplyDeleteForty is worse, just look at my ass if you don't believe me. My husband has those lipomas here and there on arms and legs. I think they are not a big deal and removing them only makes them come back. I still love my husband and I still love you, extra bits or no. Hang in there, and hang your apron on the lump.
ReplyDelete@Megan - I will consider that if it's still there after breastfeeding. Until then, no one is getting to cut my back.
ReplyDelete@Hot Cross Mum - :-) That's sympathetic enough.
@Josie - Joking is good. And I would just hug you right back. Not like your time is not being sucky.
@Calif Lorna - :-) Yeah, this is starting to be an alarmingly European body.
@Paradise Lost in Translation - Yeurrgh indeed! I am in no way shape or form intending to "dig this one out myself." It's at least an inch wide, so that would produce quite a wound.
@Geeks in Rome - Yeah. Great! :-)
@Countess - That's definitely a friends, relatives or children-job. NOT a partner job. You are right.
@Lady Mama - I know. Some blogs have these warnings of "adult content" and ask you if you're sure you want to continue. Wikipedia medical pages should ask you about ten times. "No, really, we're warning you. Are you 100% sure? You'll regret this one, we think."
@Iota - Ah. Thanks for that. :-)
@GingerB - Apron? What apron? Did I ever give the mistaken impression that I wore such a thing?
Can't you see it? There's a career as a super-hero in your future. All the cool people in the X-Men movies and comics has extra bits and they just had to learn to use them, to, you know, save the world and stuff.
ReplyDeleteDid your BOOBS keep your chin warm before?? Damn! :D
ReplyDeleteI move you change the blog name to either Lard in Translation or Lost in Lard.
Wait until you're 37. That's when hair sprouts from everywhere. Laser hair removal here I come!
ReplyDeleteLMAO. You are too much!! BTW, I have plenty of beard hairs to go around in case you are ever in need. A while back I posted on this very subject.
ReplyDelete(Here is the post in case you ever want to check it out sometime. I called it Chin Hair Patrol: http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=63)
Regardless, you had me rolling throughout this whole post. And the previous commenters thoughts were also highly entertaining. Thank God for your blog. You keep it real. Like really real.
Oh my gosh I just about peed myself laughing with that last paragraph. Too funny. Glad you know what it is. That must be a relief...albeit frustrating as all heck.
ReplyDeleteoh Mwa, frying eggs and mending socks, UGH!
ReplyDeleteI just about vomitted, but well of course laughed my ass off too.