The quick and easy way to perfect happiness is complete and utter slatternliness.
First you must find the will and determination to let your house go to pot. This is the foundation for all that follows. You may wish to do this by spending afternoons online rather than working/shopping/cooking. If you can consume some snacks and leave the plates/crumbs/wrappers all around the house while you do, you are only helping the process along. In fact, why not have a drink as well and leave the cup? The rest of the family can join in: clothes can be left on bedroom floors rather than in washing baskets, spills should never ever be cleaned up (unless they were only water), and one should always remember that the toilet is only a rough point to aim for. For a few weeks, curtail the urge to dust or hoover. If something can be left out, make sure not to put it away.
After that, anything you do in the house will make an instant difference, resulting in a burst of happiness for the inmates and their warden usually only attained by illegal means. Don't think this will involve much effort on your part: it won't. In a house with no clean underwear, a basket full of clean drawers will inspire all family members to shout lyrically for joy. In a house where dust is the norm, a hoovered carpet will make the children roll around on it with glee. A husband who has resigned himself to wearing his least-crumpled T-shirt to work will ply you with sexual favours at the mere suggestion of ironing being done the next day. (Bonus tip: once you receive the favour, opting out of the ironing is possible, but not advisable. This will work a few times, but then he will catch on.)
It's such a simple idea, I can't believe there aren't a million self-help books written on the topic: keep expectations and standards extremely low, and happiness is only a quick wipe-down of the kitchen surfaces away.
And that, my dears, is the secret to my success. Feel free to copy. You're welcome.
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Hmm... and yet... I'm still not reaping the rewards :)
ReplyDeleteOMG Mwa!! You just described my life to a T. And I didn't even realize how my slovenliness could be truly the secret to everlasting happiness. I am not joking when I say that we have had a pile of unfolded but clean laundry going in my house for the past month. Okay 6 months. My 5 year old son informed me this weekend that we needed to work on it together cuz it was getting too hard for him to find his underwear. Do you know what I did? I bought more underwear. And socks.
ReplyDeleteI totally love the word "slattern" and any derivative of it. So thanks for the little jolt of happiness right first thing.
ReplyDeleteYou and your posts make me happy.
ReplyDeleteGenius, dear girl! I use this method myself and am generally happy with the results. The good will that three ironed shirts generates is almost unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteYou should get a patent on it. Or write a book. Or get the message printed on a roll of Bounty.
ReplyDeleteWhy do my comments disappear? Where do they go to???
ReplyDeleteYou have just described my philosophy of life right there. Do everything really badly and then the good bits shine like fricking diamonds.
ReplyDeleteYou are a genius.
Can we make "proud to be a slattern" badges?
BRILLIANT!
ReplyDelete=D
You're truly a domestic goddess. I'm putting your system into place today!
ReplyDeleteexcellent. you should patent it.
ReplyDelete@Jo - Are you sure you're not making a mistake in the preparation? You really have to let it ALL go for a while. :-)
ReplyDelete@Organic Motherhood - :-) 5yr olds are annoying that way. I say let him tackle some of it. He has the right age to start earning his keep.
@Kori - I know! It's a great word, no?
@An - You and your moving closer make me happy. And the fact that you read/like my posts. Big kiss!
@Ms. Moon - Three ironed shirts, that would get special sexual favours! That's like paying it forward.
@Metropolitan Mum - You made me laugh so much at the Bounty thing. I'm thinking chocolate, though - and I think you mean paper towels. The wonders of Google. Either way - funny.
Oh, and I have no idea about the comments. They do funny things.
@Josie - That would be a good badge. It could be a tattoo as well. Tramp stamp ourselves with that.
@Laura Lee - I see you're on board, too. We're starting a movement!
@Calif Lorna - And best of luck with it. Let us know how it goes.
@Megan - I would, only I'm too lazy.
Oh my! I think this post is going to change my life forever - thank you ; ) x
ReplyDeleteI too have been implementing this approach for some time. A quick wipe over the bathroom sink and I suddenly find myself truly ecstatic!
ReplyDeleteA great idea! I've been doing this but not consciously twigged I'm doing it. A few weeks ago my husband was overjoyed that the stainless steel sink was shiny. I clean it about three times a year and when it shines he's over the moon.
ReplyDeleteGutted. I read this after I had done the cleaning and tidying up. Never fear it is just me and the wee scrap this week, he doesn't notice and I am sure that I can manage to mess it up before my husband gets back :)
ReplyDeleteWe're the happiest family in the world :)
ReplyDelete@yummymummyno1 - You're welcome. No, really.
ReplyDelete@Nigel - Oh, bathroom sinks are hardcore. That must give some buzz! Must try that tomorrow.
@Emily O - You could teach him how to clean the sink. ;-)
@Kelly - If you put your mind to it, I'm sure you can do it!
@Geeks in Rome - I can feel the bliss to here.
You? Are my hero.
ReplyDeleteThis is just so against my nature, but your post has confirmed the suspicion that has been building up in me for months. I shall have to start trying, little step by little step, to introduce disorder in my life. I shall approach it like phobia therapy, a little at a time, and not advancing until I'm sure I've built up resistance.
ReplyDeleteYeah I think that my husband might be reading your blog- he's trying this out right now- I think though for him it may lead to the silent treatment from his wife :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I so want to, but I'm afraid the vermin would take over. And I'm deathly afraid of little animals that bite and scurry around.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true. Just when you think they don't care about the crap every where or digging clothes out of the dirty laundry to wear to school, they surprise you and look with awe on a clean house and clean jeans
ReplyDeletePlease stop ironing your towells, honey. Please.
ReplyDelete@Suzy Voices - xxx
ReplyDelete@Pueblo girl - I must warn you, though, once you have tasted the sweet taste of slovenliness, there is no way back.
@mountainmommachronicles - Maybe he's just waiting for you to offer him sexual favours.
@Angie Muresan - Some vermin is actually quite cute. My son has a show and tell tomorrow and I have been trying to convince him to take in either a head louse or cancer fish. He's not convinced.
@michelle - It's so much more fun when it's appreciated, don't you think? I always feel sorry for people who always have everything sorted - no one ever notices what they do any more.
@GingerB - Okay?
See, three times the funny! Is it running amok hormones making you so fabulous? You are a piece of work these days in the best possible way. Bravo Mwa!
ReplyDeleteThat post was like looking in a mirror. My friend has coined the term 'mesting' to describe my attitude to housework in early pregnancy. It's the stage where I just can't be fagged to do a ruddy thing and wallow delightfully in my own filth. It stands directly in opposition to nesting. A stage which I go through only VERY briefly in later pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI've hardly even looked at my own blog since December never mind anyone elses. So congrats on your Tots 100 and congrats on your expected Tot. x
Brilliant! I love it and will begin implementing immediately.
ReplyDeleteHa, ha, great post, I too have discovered this secret! I think I was building up to it my whole life. It was only when I had my two children that I really became quite fantastic at it. For a little while we had a cleaner, but she said strange things like "Do you like your skirting boards wiped down when you do the floors?". The concept of wiping down the skirting boards was completely alien to me, and gave my partner unrealistic ideas of things which should get cleaned on a regular basis, so we got rid of her.
ReplyDeleteIt was through her though that I found out the ultimate secret for doing nothing yet having an extremely happy partner. I changed my perfume from Issey Miyake to Mr Muscle Kitchen Cleaner and now he thinks that the whole house is clean all of the time (even when we're out).
Oh hahahahahaha! I just read your response and had to run to the bathroom before disgracing myself in front of the husband. Girl, you crack me up!
ReplyDeleteDamn, and here I thought my tactic was a well-kept secret.
ReplyDeleteLove this. I seem to have been doing this for some time now. No wonder I am blissfully happy ;)
ReplyDeleteWe are currently living with the maxim of 'can i live with it' so can I live with the kitchen being a mess and not having used the leftovers from yesterday, of course I can. Can I live with toys all over the floor during the day, of course I can. etc.
ReplyDelete