Marie (petting the cat): This cat is very dirty.
Me: Yes, dear - better go wash your hands before dinner.
Me (to Babes): Are you sure those bites on Marie are mosquito bites? When did you last treat the cats for fleas?
*followed by whispered conversation, after noticing sudden silence both sides*
Jack (Very loudly): What are fleas?
Jack: So have the cats got them?
Me: No, dear, they've been treated. They definitely don't have any. No fleas here, dear. No fleas, no, no. Those bites are strictly mosquito bites. We treat those cats fine. No hygiene trouble here.
Jack: So when you removed that beasty from Tom (cat) with pliers, that wasn't a flea?
Me: No, that was a tick.
*explanation about ticks*
Me (stupidly): Marie's had a tick.
Jack: How did she get that?
Me: From the CRECHE! Not from home. It was removed IMMEDIATELY.
*long discussion about human parasites*
Me: Is there any more food?
Babes: No, but I'll make you a banana split later.
Me: No bananas for me. Not now, not all week.
Jack: Mama, why can't you have bananas?
Babes: That's enough now. Keep quiet and eat your dinner.
Poor kids. So much for anything can be discussed. Anything still can. Just not in the garden. There's only so much I'm willing to share with the neighbours.
While I'm oversharing with the internet neighbours anyway, just one more for the road. At least this one happened in the living room, with the windows closed.
Me: *big fart*
Marie: Mama? Was that a wet fart?
Me: No, dear, it was a dry one.
Marie: Do you need clean knickers?