Marie (petting the cat): This cat is very dirty.
Me: Yes, dear - better go wash your hands before dinner.
*lightbulb moment*
Me (to Babes): Are you sure those bites on Marie are mosquito bites? When did you last treat the cats for fleas?
*followed by whispered conversation, after noticing sudden silence both sides*
Jack (Very loudly): What are fleas?
Me: *explanation*
Jack: So have the cats got them?
Me: No, dear, they've been treated. They definitely don't have any. No fleas here, dear. No fleas, no, no. Those bites are strictly mosquito bites. We treat those cats fine. No hygiene trouble here.
Jack: So when you removed that beasty from Tom (cat) with pliers, that wasn't a flea?
Me: No, that was a tick.
*explanation about ticks*
Me (stupidly): Marie's had a tick.
Jack: How did she get that?
Me: From the CRECHE! Not from home. It was removed IMMEDIATELY.
*long discussion about human parasites*
Me: Is there any more food?
Babes: No, but I'll make you a banana split later.
Me: No bananas for me. Not now, not all week.
Jack: Mama, why can't you have bananas?
Me: *groans*
Babes: That's enough now. Keep quiet and eat your dinner.
Poor kids. So much for anything can be discussed. Anything still can. Just not in the garden. There's only so much I'm willing to share with the neighbours.
---
While I'm oversharing with the internet neighbours anyway, just one more for the road. At least this one happened in the living room, with the windows closed.
Me: *big fart*
Marie: Mama? Was that a wet fart?
Me: No, dear, it was a dry one.
Marie: Do you need clean knickers?
Posts
Hahahaha. This is especially funny because of how much it will upset Danielle.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of you debating whether it's better to sit inside suffering the consequences of the farting, or open the window to fresh air and upsetting the neighbours sensibilities further.
@Jo - It was over thirty degrees outside - there was no way I was going to open these windows in the middle of the day! I'd rather be fumigated.
ReplyDeleteOh, and Danielle is too easily upset by far.
I know! I traumatised him by sending him a baby pic of me sitting fully clothed on the toilet lid. I underestimated the true scale of his issues with this one :)
ReplyDelete@Jo - Now that's serious issues indeed.
ReplyDelete*tee hee hee*
ReplyDeleteI love to spy on our neighbors!
Oh, good lord. Thank God the windows were closed! If that'd happened to me, Sod's Law would have guaranteed the windows to be wide open, and Littleboy1's voice to be at it's loudest decibel. xx
ReplyDeleteKnow what you mean about the neighbours. Over here, many people in terraced houses have decks off the back door which are about 6 to 10 feet higher than the ground. We don't, which means that not only can our neighbours hear everything we say, but they're staring at us while BBQing their food most of the time. Pah!
ReplyDelete(Great post idea though.)
Most of the year, we don't have neighbours. They only turn up in July, a fact my beloved constantly forgets - until immediately after he's just let rip another enormous fart or belch in the garden.
ReplyDeleteSo funny. I hate my neighbors. I wish you were my neighbor, I think you would be more fun. Fleas, yuck...just got them out of our house. Whenever Finn hears a fart he thinks that it means the person pooped. Very funny. Does your daughter really say knickers?
ReplyDeleteFabulous, I wish you did have the 'dry fart' outside, somethings are too good to keep to yourself. Love to know what your neighbours were thinking!
ReplyDeletegasp*
ReplyDeletei..u..if you search me i m hinding under the bed and breath in a paper bag...
@All This Trouble - Do they give you as much to listen to? It's always something with my kids. The other day, Sam wanted me to go through how babies are born again with a neighbour so very very close.
ReplyDelete@Mancunian Mum - Yeah, small mercies...
@Expat Mum - That would be awkward, too.
Feel free to have a go yourself - it's very cathartic!
@Pueblo girl - :-)
@Kate - We had fleas in the house yet - when the cats first went outside and we didn't realise it was an issue. I remember standing screaming in the bath after finding one in the bed.
As for the knickers, obviously she said the above in Dutch so the translation was mine. Come to think of it, I think with her father she says underpants. But I say knickers, so she may learn soon.
@Very Bored in Catalunya - As if they don't get enough to eavesdrop on already! :-)
@Danielle - You have issues. :-)
I hope I didn't traumatise you too much.
This is so funny! I just ignore the fact that because I can hear everything my neighbors do it means that they can hear me. I'm just waiting for the day one of them tells me they can see me walking around naked. My plan is to come back with "I can hear you have sex." and hope that ends the conversation.
ReplyDeleteWe live in different worlds. And that is the truth. I feel sorry for Danielle. Bless his tender, easily shocked heart. And he's a writer of erotica!
ReplyDeleteOf course, had you been outside, the answer to "was that a wet fart?", should have been "yes, dear, I'm afraid it was".
ReplyDeleteThen you'd be the only ones eating outside in the evening.
We have an enclosed courtyard, so hopefully our neighbors haven't heard all the weird conversations our family has.
ReplyDeleteWhen my daughter hears some one fart she immediately asks that person if they need to poop.
Now i laughed out loud to that last bit. Noubt funnier than fart jokes. Magic!
ReplyDeletehttp://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com
You make me laugh so much my belly hurts at times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteSandi
Bwahahahaha! Fart jokes are full of the win. Always.
ReplyDeleteOur neighbour downstairs who we share a garden with smokes. We don't. And we're quite vocal with the children about the horrors of smoking.
ReplyDeleteYes, you can probably imagine the embarrassment potential there.
Then there was the time dudelet took it upon himself to interrogate her about her missing ex-boyfriend (who'd left two years ago).
Amazing she still speaks to us. Though she does try and hide her fag when she sees dudelet coming.
@May - That's a good conversation stopper. Unless they're the kind of neighbour who see that as an invitation to more "conversation."
ReplyDelete@Ms. Moon - I can't believe it either. Somehow erotica and a certain ease with bodily functions go together for me. But maybe he likes mystery...
@tinman18 - Cunning plan!
@nmaha - My children sometimes act like they're my parents or something - it annoys me so much!
@marketingtomilk - Welcome! And I do agree - nothing beats a good fart joke. Except maybe for a poo joke.
@sandiart - You're most welcome. And thank you for making me smile.
@Aunt Becky - They are indeed.
@dadwhowrites - I remember being asked by my son why one of my girlfriends was "slowly killing herself." Tricky issue - smoking. Very unBritish thing to do, sharing your garden.
ilove this post i too live in a terraced house and have had times like this lol i love the wet fart comment :D
ReplyDeleteWell, do you? You didn't answer, Mwa.
ReplyDelete