Shit, piss, tits. - Ooh, did I offend you?

I was reading in the newspaper today about which words exactly are considered offensive on American TV. They listed the main ones:

(Source: De Standaard, today.)

Isn't that just a lovely picture?

Really, I don't get it. I get "cocksucker" and "motherfucker." They are not exactly Sesame Street material. "Cunt" - fine. That may be considered offensive. But the others? Not so much. Surely, before ten one should be allowed to "not give a shit", or to "take the piss." Right? What if everything goes "tits up?" A functional "fuck off" should be okay in a nine o'clock drama or interview. Especially "shit," "piss" and "tits" seem so harmless to me. Too harmless to merit a ban in any case. Maybe this is because English is my second language, but then again if I consider the Flemish translations I'm not bothered at all either.

I am wondering what is allowed. I'm supposing "breasts" is allowed. What about "boobies?" If "tits" is out, can you have one "tit?" "Dick" is a first name, so it must be allowed under certain circumstances. Otherwise doing a bad accent becomes "doing a Penis Van Dyke" - it just doesn't have the same ring to it. But then I suppose "dick" is out in other circumstances. What about "crap?" Can you say that? What about all the other synonyms for "shit?"

Another thing I wonder - is there a list, or is there some kind of committee who judge each case separately? If there is a list, I would have liked to have been at that meeting. I can just imagine it: twenty self-righteous zealots with sticks up their asses (is "ass" allowed?) sitting around a large table, discussing the merits of "spunk" vs "semen." That would have been priceless. If there isn't a list, it must be a very tedious and ridiculous job to sit and judge each programme on it suitability.

In the list case, if you go on a show pre-watershed, are you sent this list just in case? That piece of paper would so go on my fridge. If there isn't a list, are you just meant to know magically what is and isn't allowed? Is this knowledge taught in schools? What if you genuinely make a mistake, using a word which isn't allowed, but you thought it was? Do you get fined anyway?

Another thing - can you say the words in quotes? I mean - if you want to discuss FCC rulings before ten o'clock, can you say: "The word "fuck" is out of bounds," or do you have to say "The word for "copulate" which rhymes with "duck" is not allowed?" In other words, does the context matter? Can you make a case for certain words in certain contexts? (If quotes are allowed, I'm in the clear here.)

I just thought of another one: what about people with Tourette Syndrome who swear a lot? Are they not allowed on TV, are they given special dispensation, or are they bleeped out? (The first and third option would be rather offensive, I would think.)

What a minefield!

All this just makes me wonder which of the following is true: either some American broadcasters are really filthy-mouthed people who cannot by themselves use appropriate language for their audience, or some American viewers are really touchy and cannot find the off switch on their TV. Also - which parents are letting their TV babysit their children until ten o'clock exactly, after which they punctually send them to bed?

(I never got the whole Janet Jackson booby-gate either. Breasts just seem such a non-issue that I genuinely couldn't believe the fuss to start with.)

We don't have similar rules in Belgium, and I don't see children's presenters swearing all the time. Newsreaders still haven't developed a potty mouth, and neither have the weather people. Fancy that! People just seem to understand when swearing is and isn't appropriate. Without fines or rules! Breasts can be shown, as can other parts of people's anatomy if necessary, and so far this doesn't seem to have killed anyone.

I think that, for Belgians, the fact that all this can be such an issue to a whole country is the more astounding fact. Why bother caring so very much about what other people are saying and showing? We have debates on extremist views and advertising on TV, not a little swear word or a stray breast. Why the obsession with sex and excrements? (Okay, the latter I understand.)

While I'm at it, I also want to add that I find the graphic violence on most American cop shows much much much more offensive than any of the words discussed before. Give me a "cocksucker" over a shoot-out any day. I don't want my children to watch CSI or House (too gruesome) but an interview with a celebrity in which the word "motherfucker" is used? I can live with that.

I will leave you with a great song which was played to death on the Belgian radiostations when it first came out - all day, every day, any time of day:



(Warning: playing this will make you happy dance if you don't mind the word "fuck."
Also, the video is kind of crappy and the spelling not good. But then you'll be dancing, not reading, so that's okay.)