I'm trying to imagine having another baby. I am in complete denial. I feel feet all over my belly. I'm having practice contractions. Hiccups in my liver are a normal part of my day. And yet I cannot imagine having a baby yet. It's probably some kind of sick self-defence mechanism. I can't feel that I deserve to have a happy healthy baby, so if anything goes wrong at least I've not counted my chickens too much yet.
Luckily I catch up fast once they put that baby in my arms. At least - I hope I will again. I feel like everything will be fine once that baby is on my breast and I get to count its fingers and toes. Actually - who am I kidding? More worrying just starts then.
And breathe. They are just thoughts. This baby has made it this far. So have my other children. They are just anxious thoughts. They are not reality.
And breathe. And breathe. And breathe.
I imagine a little boy all soft and chubby. Cute little feet, cute little hands. A round little nose and a round little belly. Little vests, little pajamas. And a big hungry mouth. Wouldn't it be nice to have one of them around?
And breathe.
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Honey- It's not only going to be okay, it's going to be FABULOUS, TEARFUL JOYFULNESS, WONDERFUL AND AMAZING!
ReplyDeleteI promise. And I do not break my promises.
@Ms. Moon - Thank you, Ms. Moon. And you should know. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh Mwa. If it's any comfort, this boy is his own little whole person. He's not some punishment sent to you from above. He's ... him. He gets to be whole for himself whether you deserve him or not. It's not all about you, babe!
ReplyDeleteBut you're right. Breathe and refocus on the good. Breathe, and refocus, just let those other thoughts slip on by, don't poke them, just wave them on.
I've never been pregnant, but I know what it's like to wait for seemingly impossible events. They come round and then they just become part of life.
ReplyDeleteI so remember those thoughts Mwa. Let them wash over you, they are as natural as breathing at this stage of your pregnancy. This little man is going to be the most of everything you have ever wanted in a baby. You and him will both be fine. xx
ReplyDeleteI think it's one of those impossibles.... You can't imagine a baby until its there...
ReplyDeleteEven with two of them and a definite date and time for their arrival I still couldn't imagine it. Being wheeled into theatre, I couldn't imagine it. Being jabbed and poked and cut open, I couldn't imagine it. And then there's a wail, and then they give you a baby (and another one), and then you can't imagine anything else....
Good luck - enjoy these last few weeks as a family of four! xxx
It never seems real does it? Despite an enormous bump and feeling constantly uncomfortable you still can't believe you're going to have a baby. Even when you've done it twice already. They really are little miracles, thinking of you in these last few weeks x
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I am so excited for you I got a little teary reading this post. Sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes for the next couple weeks until Birth Day!
ReplyDeleteI felt exactly the same way with my two boys.
ReplyDeleteI hope (and know) it all goes well my darling. xx
I thought this part was pretty surreal - maybe just fill your brain with giving your family some extra attention since you are about to have Mr. All-Consuming placed in your rams. And hang on for the ride, honey!
ReplyDeleteThink those good thoughts!!! He will be lovely, and healthy and happy xxxx ourprivateblog
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a good thing it doesn't feel real. Keeps the panic buttons at bay. The more healthy babies I see being born, the more I worry, as if I'm in some reverse universe where I'm sure that the odds must hit me if all those babies are so healthy.
ReplyDeleteSo you'll be grand ;)
Keep visualising the beauty of your boy, there's nothing much else that can be done.
This time will pass and soon you'll have a gorgious wee man in your arms, healthy, strong and very hungry!
oooo it's all soooo exciting!!
ReplyDeleteI'm very excited for you - I know it's hard to imagine them before they are born, but that day will be here so soon. Good luck. x
ReplyDeleteIt's going to be just lovely. Oh how envious I feel now. You've quite put me in the mood for another baby. It's so hard to imagine what it'll be like once they arrive, and then once they do it's amazing. Good luck with your last few days. Relax and enjoy it all. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteIn pregnancy, just like film, we have something called suspension of disbelief. And all of this will be a distant memory soon enough.
ReplyDeleteHug and squeeze him like he's the only baby that ever was! At least as long as the moment allows.
ReplyDelete@Jo - Not sure what to say to that.
ReplyDelete@Pueblo girl - I will remember that.
@Countess - I can't wait.
@planb - I never thought other people would feel the same way. Some women just seem to "connected" to their unborn babies. So glad it's not just me.
@Emily O - And I must refer you to my previous answer. So glad.
@Darcy - Thank you.
@Mancunian Mum - Welcome new blogger!
@GingerB - Good idea.
@ourprivateblog - I must.
@cartside - I have those thoughts. They are irrational, right?
@Eternally Distracted - :-)
@nappy valley girl - Thank you!
@fiona - Another baby... I don't think that desire will leave me any time soon either.
@All This Trouble - Strange, no?
@Stephanie - Welcome! And thanks.
Agh, I didn't mean to insult, was just trying to make you think of the baby as a happy little pure new spirit all of its own - thus removing the burden of any fears of what might be visited upon you because of what you feel you deserve.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I don't personally think it works like that anyway, but I know what you mean - so just wanted you to focus on the love and good the baby deserves, if it's hard to focus on the love and good you do...
xx
@Jo - I know, I know. I discussed this with Babes, and he said something along the same lines. I know electronic messages have a way of being misinterpreted. That's why I tried not to comment too much. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think worry comes with being a mother. I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Finn. I didn't sleep for the first month because I just wanted to listen to make sure he didn't stop breathing.
ReplyDeleteNo, my fault for being flippant when I shouldn't have been.
ReplyDeleteI was going to leave a 'ah, not at all, of course you don't deserve anything bad, everything will be easy and beautiful' comment, but then I thought you might just sweep that under the Fear Carpet with the other platitudes.
Still. Reverse psychology not so appropriate! Sorry!
you'll be more than fine. nature will flood you with LURV hormones and you will never be able to let him go.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree, I much rather have the real thing in my arms than feeling feet in my gut. I always felt I would jinx things if I counted my eggs before they were hatched, too.
This post makes me want to plan my next one. Best of luck. Your description is already full of love for the little one.
ReplyDeleteHaving similar thoughts too but keep telling myself that it's when they are born that the worrying really starts and never, ever stops.
ReplyDeleteSorry, doubt that made you feel any better but in truth nothing will make you feel better until it's all done and dusted.
So focus on something else. Just think about how much fun you can have when that stomach finally shrinks and you can do normal things again (like sleep) and drink copious amounts of cocktails.
Is gonna be fine. breathe woman. breathe.
ReplyDeleteYes, breathe. You have time to hyperventilate while giving birth. Until then, take it easy.
ReplyDelete