My new love in toilet land: the maternity ward toilet

People, you can forget about Dutch toilets. I have a new love when it comes to WCs. I have lost my heart to the maternity ward toilet. It is a marvel. You remember our little debate about wet wipes and needing water when cleansing after a bathroom visit? Well, this discovery of mine is the answer to all our combined needs when it comes to a clean yet ecologically sound post-poo bum!

Last time I gave birth, I was still stuck with either the hosepipe behind the toilet or the side jug of water. The hosepipe was still hanging there this time, looking at me accusingly, angry to be reduced to rinsing only floors now. This time, what was waiting for me post-birth was a shiny new toilet with mega-entertainment value.

Get this: you sit down, you do your business, then you take the remote control (I kid you not) and you are presented with a plethora of options. You can rinse your front, you can rinse your back. You can rinse hard, you can rinse softly. You can rinse cold, you can rinse warm. You can even get a fan (also with variable temperature) to blow your tender nethers dry!

I was in toilet heaven.

I tell you, I want one of these if I ever build my own bathroom. Forget about Dutch toilets and their shit shelves. I will happily sacrifice the visual element if I can get properly clean every single time. No need to install a bidet or have an endless supply of wet wipes - this baby is the ticket for me!

I'm sure I've only glimpsed a fraction of its possible entertainment value as well. Imagine I'm having my mother come for a first visit to our new house. Before she arrives, I remove the remote control from the bathroom. Ah yes, I can hear you chuckling already. How long do you think I should wait with the extra cold top strength bum shower, followed by the extra warm high power blowdry? Is it funnier midstream or while she goes in with the toilet paper? The delicious possibilities...

I'm sure tricks with the remote control would be developed into a true family sport. Just to be safe, we should have a normal toilet somewhere in the house as well - for those with safe toilet syndrome who can't "produce" any more after a few attacks. Yes, that would probably be wise.

The maternity ward toilet in question was called "Geberit" which is a Swiss toilet company. (Some of my fellow Europeans seem to have the same issues as me.) Many times I sat there, rinsing myself, considering the fact that really "Geberit" was not enough of a name for this delight. At the least it should be "THE Geberit 2000!" (with exclamation mark). Then I thought that really showed my age. The year 2000 is hardly a mark of the future any more. "THE Geberit 3000!" on the other hand sounds a little bit hysterical.

Imagine my mirth when I went to look up this very toilet online and I found out it's actually called the "Geberit AquaClean 8000plus." It's only lacking the exclamation point, which frankly was a little over the top anyway. I could SO get along with the people at Geberit. They appreciate not only the basic human need for anal cleanliness, but on top of that they are sensitive to the importance of a good product name. Maybe if teaching doesn't work out for me, I should try to get a job with them.