Ever since my last post, I have been mulling over a post I didn't particularly want to write. The problem is, as long as it's in the pipeline, my inspiration seems to be completely plugged up and no other topics are coming through. My objection to this particular subject is that it's not funny and kind of navel-gazingly serious - precisely the type of post I love to read but am shy to write myself. I will write it, though - to flush the inspiration pipeline. (Do you get that as well?) Right - here goes.
I've been thinking about the obsession with youth in the media and some of society. Becoming a mother for the third time, and seeing the amazing things my body can do, I don't understand why on earth I would long to have my girlish body back. I like my womanly body much better. It was only after I had a child that I started to appreciate my body at all. Only then did I begin to take care of it by eating well and exercising. In between pregnancies, I was probably fitter and healthier than I'd ever been before in my life.
When I was a little girl, I used to see "real women's breasts" in films and on tv, and I used to long to have breasts just like theirs. Young girls looked so awkward with their extremely round chests, I always just assumed that what we should all aspire to was the slightly softer kind. I don't understand why all these women on TV makeover shows would choose to ruin their gorgeous woman chests by having them transformed into immature girl chests. Surely, they are trading down?
And while I'm on the topic of women's vs girls' bodies, I don't get the whole nethers waxing trend either. The pedo-look disturbs me. Why this fear of looking like a real woman and opting to look like a little girl? If that's your cup of tea, by all means go for it, but perhaps you want to explain it to me in the comments? I just find it uncomfortable and unnatural - I don't get it.
So I'm happy with my womanly body - childbearing hips, stretch marks, emerging wrinkles and all. This may have something to do with the fact that I loathed being a child. I hated being told what to do all the time, not having any power over my own life. I couldn't wait to grow up and do my own thing. Strangely, when I finally moved away from home and was officially grown up, I couldn't cope with it very well. It was the sheer pointlessness of it all. Nothing I did seemed to have any meaning - what Milan Kundera calls the unbearable lightness of being. For ten years, I looked for meaning wherever I could and failed miserably. Finding love helped. Jobs and studies certainly didn't help.
And then I had a child. And all of a sudden there was a point to my life. I certainly didn't have a child so my life would have meaning (that would be quite a responsibility to put on the shoulders of one's offspring) - I had a child and then a while later I noticed that my baseline sadness had lifted, because now there was a point to being me. I can find joy in friendship, intellectual pursuits, love - but it's only as a mother that I feel like I am truly needed in this world.
I realise that what I'm writing could anger or sadden many people (especially people without children) so allow me to explain - this is just what I feel, not what I think I should feel or god forbid what anyone else should feel. In fact, I often wish I didn't feel like this, because surely there is something wrong with my self esteem if I feel so worthless that my life only acquires meaning through caring for someone else? I do see that this is problematic and quite unhealthy.
Anyway - I am still happy every day to be all grown up, and that includes having a grown up body. Which I'm happy with. Very very happy. Well, apart from the grey hair. And I do worry about the possible consequences of breastfeeding this third child. Oh, and I'm not too thrilled about ... (Okay, so I'm not 100% content. That would be unnatural. I'm allowed to pick and choose, right?)
What do you think? Do you miss your childhood or are you happy it's over? Do you miss your girl/boy body? Maybe you still have it and are afraid to lose it. I'm wondering how you see it, so do share if you like.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Having had a figure like an ironing board until I was 25, I love being a more womanly shape. Having children has definitely made me feel more feminine. I sometimes mourn the flat tummy I once had, but it was a boyish flat tummy and I was desperate for curves back then. I was as skinny as a rake and lots of people would accuse me of being anorexic. Nice eh? Most of us are never happy with our shape but I'm with you on the womanly build and some curves. And on breastfeeding a third child: my boobs have survived and I think wearing good supportive (and mainly frumpy) bras during those times helps.
ReplyDeleteIn my case it's all too complicated by fatness, so it's hard to say. And I didn't appreciate the youth I had when I had it because I was too busy owrrying about its fatness, so... I don't know. I#m a little worried about my boobs after three years (well, four and a half years all together) of breastfeeding and two pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteI do think that the wealthy celebrities who are in their fifties and suddenly look like they did in their twenties again are rather sad. Not how it's meant to be.
Oh, btw, re waxing.
ReplyDeleteI was going to write about that at some point. I don't know if it's about looking like a child for everyone.
But. The smoothness is quite a revelation. A sensation revelation. It's like discovering a whole new planet of smoothness. I was startled! :)
Wow thats a chewy one. I think its all to do with being loved unconditionally. If you feel the love your confidence and self esteem will be high so whats a few stretch marks and wrinkles.
ReplyDeleteHowever if your relationship fell over and you were back on the market (so to speak) then boobs that disappear into your armpits when you lie flat might worry you.......what I'm trying to say is that its all relevant to where you're at with life.
I also don't get the hairless fanny look.....disturbing, yes.
Emily O and I are twins!!!!! me to a T and the same comments, apart from a tummy that I would love to be flatter I am very happy with my figure now cos it actually has curves. I could never put on weight and had a shocking body image. I look back now and yes i was tiny, but I wasn't as bad as people made out. I breast fed three and my breasts, believe it or not, are better than they have ever been....go figure.
ReplyDeleteI tell my daughters friends to be happy with the way they are, they are young and beautiful and are unique and just to enjoy life and all it entails, life is too short and flys by. My daughter is a dancer and of course clients have a shape that they want, luckily my daughter is naturally slim she eats well and has a healthy attitude. The media, gossip mags etc need to go ............as they put too much expectation on young girls to look a certain way. I am in my 50's and single, some day I will meet a special someone who will love me for who I am, not a plastic, pulled, tucked version of me. But as you say, each to his own if that is what life holds for them. I will grow old gracefully...probably not actually. I had to write 7 things about myself on my post and I said that I will never grow up.......
Hope you feel better now that is out of your system and let the juices flow for the next post.
Have a happy day and hugs Sandi xx
Girl- I just wish I still had a woman's body instead of an aging crone's. No, seriously, I think that everything you wrote is important and real. We ARE biological beings and so why shouldn't we feel at our most fulfilled when we have had a child? That's all Mother Nature really asks of us- to make more of us. And when we do that, when we create life within ourselves and our bodies reflect that creation- shouldn't we celebrate that?
ReplyDeleteI think we should.
Gray hair and all.
My childhood body is so long gone, I don't think I remember it with clarity. But my post childbirth body could use some work - I don't think c-sections do much for already weak muscles or the tendancy to have a big belly. I'm sort of horrified by my shape, but go out into the world every day thinking people must just like me for who I am, since I seem to be both loved and liked and yet my figure fails by anyone's standards. But I've had breasts since I was 11, skipped "training bras," would have them reduced in a second if money were no obstacle and it didn't mean you can't pick up your kids for six weeks or so due to pain. My huge post nursing/pumping breasts have yet to deflate after six months, and I know they cause head and neck pain due to a previous serious neck injury. I hate them, but I'll be fine if they aren't puberty age perky once I get the reduction. I just want to be a B or C, this F size is not good for anything except parking babies.
ReplyDeleteMy comment is already too long, but if you want to "wax poetical" about hairless genitals, my sister actually has done some academic research on the topic and the answers are indeed interesting.
@Emily O - Isn't it funny that the ironing board figure is so "fashionable" - I like that you prefer your curves.
ReplyDeleteI'm wearing my bra day and night just now. I hope it helps.
@Jo - I didn't appreciate my youth either - too awkward, too nervous. I'm liking my thirties much better so far.
I also think it's sad that celebrities are made to feel like they need to change themselves to get jobs. Imagine being faced with that choice! Too horrible.
And I'm looking forward to you writing about waxing! That should be a good one. I'm still not sure about the smoothness, but I'm willing to hear you out. ;-)
@Countess - I see what you mean about the love. I'm aiming for enough love for myself for that not to matter, but I suppose that's easy to say with a doting husband at my side. Very good point.
@Sandi - What a lovely comment!
I think a lot of men would be quite freaked out to find a woman with plastic enhancement. You're right to keep things natural.
@Ms. Moon - Yeah, so all downhill from here then? ;-)
You are gorgeous, Ms. Moon, and don't you forget it.
@GingerB - I can imagine big breasts must be - literally - a pain. I'm glad they will shrink again after breastfeeding. I love your confidence. I'm relatively confident about my body, but I wish I had your confidence about being liked no matter what. This post sure brings out the lovely comments.
Oh, and I DO DO DO want to know all about your sister's research!!!
I loved this post. You can definitely write, as well as read, stuff like this - just to reassure you.
ReplyDeleteI think I had a pretty good body before pregnancies/children, but I never appreciated it. I always thought my legs were fat, my bottom too big, a bit of a bulge on my tummy. What a waste that I didn't enjoy it more! But isn't that part of being a woman? That unless you have the 'perfect' body, as defined by various industries and promulgated in the media, then you aren't allowed to relax and enjoy what you have.
I loved my body in pregnancy and afterwards. It seemed to be responding magnificently to the demands of the growing baby. It never ceased to amaze me. It's a pity we don't focus on what a woman's body can DO, rather than what it looks like.
I have had to face some serious body image issues, as you know from reading my blog. I've found some of the process very sad, facing up to the loss. But some of it I've found quite liberating. I feel "yes, I've always believed that I'm who I am, and I'm not defined by my body shape, and now I've proved it". But I'm lucky. As Countess says, a lot of self-image is to do with being loved, and I do have lots of people who love me.
As for having children giving a sense of purpose, yes, I echo that. Being all-sufficient, as a mummy is to a baby, is a wonderful feeling. But I'm also very aware that I need not to tie my purposefulness entirely to them. They're going to leave home one day, and I don't want to feel my life is worthless when they do.
Long comment, but there was so much in your post to reply to!
I watched a TV programme where young women got breast enlargement surgery on the NHS because their mental health was affected by not having the perfect cup size - also some "asymmetrical" breast rectification. They were no more asymmetrical than mine and I never considered mine to be asymmetrical. I do get that with very large breasts it can be uncomfortable and that breast reduction may be necessary. But to claim depression for not looking like some celebrity / magazine top model ... How about a bit of acceptance of who we are, the differences that make us unique?
ReplyDeleteAnd as to shaving the nether regions - I don't get that either. Never thought of it as prepubescent-looking though. Just confused that people do this and not sure why.
Oh, I have exactly the same thing, when there is a post that needs to be written it blocks the way off all other musings and tippy tappings. It is always good to get it out.
ReplyDeleteI was looking at photographs of myself in my 20's today and I think I look horrible. I was stick thin, didn't look after myself at all, ate crap, drank so much, smoked and occasionally did drugs. I look at myself in the mirror now all stretch marks and wibbly bits and I am so proud of my body, it deserves to be treated well. I keep trying to do better but I do love biscuits!
I miss my body, I really do. And I think mostly because I didn't appreciate it at the time.
ReplyDeleteOstensibly I don't look that much different now, a bit thicker around the waist, much saggier in the boob (I'm afraid breast feeding three did it for me, but then that did include two at the same time, and I was quite large to start off, so that can't have helped either), but still in the same dress size, and to within half a stone of the same weight.
So what's wrong? I feel frumpy. I feel dowdy. I feel wobbly and saggy and unattractive. This is, mostly, in my head. The man who shares my bedroom still finds me attractive, and possibly more so because I have carried and fed his children, and he's always been a fan of the softness of my body (as against being all hard and toned and muscley - much as I would have liked to be hard and toned and muscley).
I think it's to do with not really knowing who I am these days. I wish I did feel more like you, that being a mother was fulfillment enough, but I don't think my heart has yet got over the idea, however wrong my head says it is, that I am "giving up" by not continuing my career, or climbing Mount Everest, or mapping the human genome... and in feeling dissatisfied with what I am, I think that comes out in feeling dissatisfied with who I am...
Sorry, too long, and probably a bit too navel-gazey too, but you did ask.
That was quite beautifully written! Men have such an exponentially different relationship to their bodies that I'm not entirely sure what else to add.
ReplyDeleteActually, I will add that I had an utterly alienated relationship with my own body (skinny and awkward) for decades). Now, its now so skinny, bits of it are sagging in funny places but I'm far more comfortable in it than I ever was. Not about to start dancing in public, mind.
(And shaved pubic zones do absolutely zero, nowt, nada for me)
When I was a child I couldn't wait to grow up. I always felt older than my peers and would much prefer sitting around a table with the grown ups than go and play with the other children!
ReplyDeleteAt quite a young age, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said I want to be a mummy.
Since then, a combination of school, university and perceived parental expectations led me to believe that I should have an amazing career, doing something that was both well paid and also my passion.
4 years after leaving uni and several jobs later I am now expecting my first child. Nothing I have done career wise has felt so perfect for me as the onset of mother hood.
I am aware it won't be easy, I know there are ups and downs to being a parent, and I know I won't fully understand these until I am a parent. But I feel ready for the challenge. I feel I have found my vocation.
I think society places so much pressure on teenagers today - the perfect body, the perfect career, the perfect relationship. It would be so much healthier to give children/teens the confidence to be happy with themselves as they are. I don't mean take away their aspiration and drive but help them to learn to be more at ease with who they are and not who they think they should be.
Sorry bit of a long one!
@Iota - Thank you so much for your great comment, and the reassurance.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you more than anyone have reason to be impressed with what your body can do - after what you have gone through. I love that you feel liberated now. I can't even imagine how hard that process must have been.
I know I have to watch out with the children being my centre - I try to keep my interests, my hobbies, my job when they grow up. I also try to remember "I am enough." I do realise it's a bit problematic for them as well how I feel. I try not to put it on them too much.
Oh, and I have yet to find a blogger who minds getting a long comment - I love it!
@cartside - It is strange what will make some people sad.
You don't think it's the girl look? I do wonder what else it could be. Maybe for easier access. :-)
@Kelly - Ah, the biscuits. I just had a hot chocolate and a Twix. I know what you mean. I also have some cakes calling me from the cupboard.
@planb - Ah, the dowdiness. I get that sometimes and it's just horrible. I hate how we've all been taught to want it all. There's no way we can have it all. Something always has to give. Maybe you could delay mapping the human genome until the kids are a little older? ;-) Seriously - I know what you mean, and I haven't found the solution yet either.
Have you tried a glamourous haircut/dye job and a new outfit or two? Works with me every time.
@dadwhowrites - Thank you!
If men have such different relationships with their bodies, you should write about that! I would love to see another perspective. I do think more comfort comes with age. After a certain age, you just realise it's all not worth the worry.
@Alice - Yes. Yes. Yes. Very true.
And thank you for the long comment. There's only one thing I love more than a short comment and that's a long comment.
Good luck with the parenting! I hope it's all you dream it will be.
Wasn't life oh so much easier for the 1950s housewife that just had to raise the family and look good in an apron?! I hear the gasps of horror already from the masses?!
ReplyDeleteI would NEVER trade the progress and opportunities of the modern women but do feel that today's world piles loads more expectation and pressures on us. We're supposed to bear children and be fab parents, have great careers and look stunning all the while. "Having it all" doesn't always work and finding a balance that fits each of us is important but easier said than done.
I too feel my greatest fulfillment in becoming a mother. As for my body, I usually try to stay in shape so I'm just trying to get back to a healthy level of fitness post baby. Sometimes I feel better about how I look than other times. You are a breath of fresh air for being content in being defined by your life experiences.
I enjoyed being a child and was slightly mortified at growing reasonably big breasts in my teens. However, when it came to breastfeeding this was definitely an advantage - I had loads of milk! I was always pretty slim pre-kids, and after 2 C sections I don't think my stomach will ever be the same again, but it doesn't particularly bother me - as long as I can fit into my clothes, and manage to keep fit, I have no desire to have a model-sized figure.
ReplyDelete@Tanya - I wouldn't trade any of the progress either. I just wish we didn't have to deal with the pressure of having to do everything, rather than the option of doing everything.
ReplyDeleteI hope I don't give the impression of being TOO content, because I assure you I struggle as well, especially with the desire/pressure to go back to work.
@nappy valley girl - Being fit makes all the difference to me as well. Maybe in a few months I can start working on that again.
I loved this post! It is exactly as I would hope I will feel, if and when I ever have kids.
ReplyDeleteOh- here's something funny about the shaving thing... I don't shave that area and I don't like the look of those who do, but once I was with a guy who did. When I asked him why he shaved he said, "Oh, you know... It makes it look bigger." HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Joke's on him! Plus, it's itchy.
SO interesting, this topic. I think I'm somewhere in between. Mostly I would just like to be healthy. I had a very hard time being a mother when I got very sick and was in the hospital. I feel like I'm a mother to all my students so I love my job. I think I'll have to think about this one more.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found your happiness though...many people are not so lucky!