I was watching our new season of House this week. (Our new season is probably three seasons ago for English speaking countries.) He was treating a blogger who put her whole life online - well, practically her whole life - which led to House proclaiming the following:
House: Do you poop? Come on. Everybody poops. I read the book in medical school.(See, reader, those last two sentences? Is why I love House. That is classic.)
Sinkers or floaters? Greasy and soft or hard and pellet-like?
House: [..] You're a hypocrite. No lies, no secrets, but everything stops at your colon. 4,000 pages, not one word about BMs. And I bet yours don't smell at all."Ha!" I say. I'm the opposite of that blogger. I won't in a hurry tell you about a fight with my husband or a good friend who got up my nose, but my poop? So not an issue. Granted, you may not be interested, but to me this is one of the most fascinating topics to write, hear and read about. (Seriously - you ever want to make me smile, write a post about your poo. The more detail the better. Just make sure I get to read it. I will adore you forever.)
[Blogger]: Nobody wants to hear about that stuff.
House: Readers don't. People who don't really care about you don't.
I once went to see a dietician who promised me, literally, "floating poo, the size, shape and consistency of a banana, with nothing to wipe afterwards." I loved her instantly. It was just a shame she told me not to eat bread or cheese. No one comes between me and my cheesy bread, no matter how gorgeous the promised plop. She didn't last three weeks.
I own books about poo, I talk about it. No big deal. I realise this may lose me some readers, but hey if I don't write what I want why have a personal blog at all? Babes told me today you should all just be grateful my blog isn't "Click 'n' Sniff." Funny guy, that Babes. He thinks I'm doing too many poo-posts.
... and by the way I don't like House saying that blog readers don't care about the bloggers they follow. That is true for casual readers - sure - but I sure care about the people whose lives I've been reading about for months, in some case a couple of years already. I say "Ha!" again.
You know these days of the week when all bloggers do the same thing? Writing workshops, haikus, galleries - that kind of thing? Maybe I should start a Faecal Friday or perhaps Mwa's Motion Monday. We could all report on the week's poo-related events and compare notes. I am only partly joking. Of course I wouldn't seriously suggest such a thing or institute it, but if it existed, it would probably be my favourite day of the week. Now why would that be? Maybe it's there in House's wise (as always) words:
Everybody poops.Maybe I find it reassuring that in the end we are all the same on the toilet. Except you may find yourself producing some floating, greasy and soft specimens, while I ... am breastfeeding right now, which seems to require all the moisture my body takes in.
And I bet yours don't smell at all.
TMI?
Ha!
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Pooping is SUCH a topic in my family. My grandma is chronically constipated, as is my daughter, while me and my son slip easily into diarrhea land... for him to an extent that the skin on his ass get red an raw.
ReplyDeleteI've learned which foods help manage each of my kids' issues, but foods that help one often hurt the other!
Anyway this is getting long, and if I really want to write about it I should do my own damn post, right?
@Steph - See? Now there's a great comment. And you should write that post!
ReplyDeleteI remember the great poo carnival run by Sparx. It was a fine day.
ReplyDeleteAs the mother of a new born the obsession with poo can only develop. How many colours? How far up the back? How different the smells? Think you need that weekly post!
PS love that you need to draw attention to the fact that it is a poo related post. Anyone not getting that after just reading the title has clearly not spent enough time thinking about poo!
All I can say MWA is chinese food egglplant dishes...all you need to do is try one and your poo will explode on a whole new level...
ReplyDeletedude, i can't read this one now, i just ate. i may come back, or a i may just skip it. thanks for the warning. as hilarious as you are i have a weak stomach...
ReplyDeleteWords are great but no photos please.
ReplyDeleteLoved your closing couplet there, Mwa.
ReplyDeleteBut I was slightly relieved to see your title was a quote - when I saw it I felt a little bit worried you'd tipped over the edge and were whirling in the swirl :)
The very first conscious memory of poo was the time mum put me on the 'big' toilet, the one out the back garden that the man would come and take the full 'can' away each week or so (and boy did it smell). She put me on, I over balanced and of course put my hand out to stop myself and missed the edge of the seat and in I went, up to the elbow in poo. OH squishy, smelly poop, (I actually don't remember that bit hehe) but the smell of the stuff that she washed me in stunk and would have killed anything. And bugger the 'floaties' one family member does those and they float and float and float after numerous flushes. Give me a good solid one anyday. My ex has Crohns disease and he would go from hard dried up rocks to water, his innards were just a reflection of his personality (full of shite)hahaha
ReplyDeleteHappy days xx Sandi (of course mine doesn't stink)
This is funny, and some very good points made! My husband is a Dr and he told me about something called the Bristol Stool Chart Drs use in the UK(or maybe its international??). Google it. (Unless you already know about it) I think you'd find it 'interesting'!!! :D
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right, House is wrong--blog readers do care about the bloggers they follow, I see the caring come out all over the blogosphere and thats one of the reasons I love blogging--a free exchange of kindness and caring.
Far too early in the morning to comprehend this much poo. Just PLEASE don't get Tara involved or I fear we may have an entire poo Gallery going on. YIKES!
ReplyDelete@PantsWithNames - Excellent reference there! I liked it, but was a little disappointed that it was all about baby poo. Adult poo should ideally be included, too.
ReplyDeleteAbout the warning after that title - that is just the kind of thing that makes me chuckle. Glad you liked it.
@Tanya - Aha! Now that sounds delicious. I do love a bit of eggplant. I think you have just decided on our meal for tonight. But I may make it Italian-style, which also involves a lot of oil so is probably just as good.
@Bethany - You're welcome! And you're my favourite kind of non-reader: the kind that leaves a comment. Now that is cool.
@Countess - Oh, I've posted a picture before, and admittedly I got some complaints. :-)
@Jo - Thank you!
The edge is very close. But I'm not quite there yet.
@Sandi - Oh that is a great/terrible poo-related story!
@Michelloui - Thank you! I will definitely google that. Excellent!
@Hot Cross Mum - What an excellent idea! I already have a good picture I could enter. Or maybe I should take one of the nuclear yellow stuff Charlie produces... Ah, you have me going now.
Brilliant. A Mwa's Motion Monday would be a great start to the week. Anyhow, if British Vogue can have a 3 page article all about poo "Poo - the last taboo" (March 2010) then surely you can have a little Monday chat about the weekend's movements!
ReplyDeleteOh, how I've laughed at this post and comments.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for giving me a forum to say my baby's poop doesn't smell like roses. In fact, her diaper pail, which we call the sausage maker, is hard to stand near these days. I think it is a sign her innards have matured enough to potty train, but since she can't yet get on and off the big potty I am taking no action because I CANNOT empty out the tiny potty and clean the bowl without gagging. CANNOT.
No one should ever attempt to come between me and any type of cheesy bread like substance. Evah.
We love poop talk in our house!
ReplyDeleteDo you already have "Over een kleine mol die wil weten er op zijn kop gepoept heeft" (it's online --> http://www.digischool.nl/po/community12/Mol/Mol.html) for your kids?! ;)
It's called The Story of the Little Mole who knew it was none of his business in English -> http://www.amazon.co.uk/Story-Little-Mole-Knew-Business/dp/1856021017/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1284843939&sr=8-1-fkmr0
fbs.
I tried SO hard to read this whole post but started feeling gagging! abort, abort!
ReplyDeleteFive years ago I would have gagged at the thought of talking about poo. Now it's a regular discussion around here.
ReplyDeleteMine smells of roses. Of course!
ReplyDeleteThere was once a poo carnival. Seems unremarkable now, but IN THOSE DAYS, carnivals were just carnivals. Themed carnivals hadn't been invented. This was a themed carnival before its time. Whoa... it was WAY ahead! And what a theme!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to see if I can find a link to it for you.
(Did the dietician mean a peeled or unpeeled banana?)
Here it is
ReplyDeletehttp://notes-inside-my-head.blogspot.com/2009/08/poop-poop-all-aboard.html
Where were you in those days, Mwa?
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ReplyDeleteIn an effort to answer my own question, I've been browsing back through your 2009 posts. You started blogging in May 2009, and guess what your first post was about? Poo. Who'd have thought it?
ReplyDeleteI am THROUGH with your POO!
ReplyDeleteTwo years back I would have felt nauseous with all this poo talk. Post the angel I now consider people who discuss poo comfortably my new best friends.
ReplyDeleteCheesy bread is a survival basic. You can't choose between it and nice poo.
Very funny (post and comments!) I have nothing against poo, don't really get the urge to talk about mine, well I could do but no-one would want to listen - I'd never thought of blogging about it!
ReplyDeleteI've passed an award onto you, you can collect it over at mine http://emsyjo.blogspot.com
@Victoria - I need to get my hands on that Vogue somehow...
ReplyDelete@GingerB - Cleaning out the potty is a horrible job indeed. We dispensed with the diaper pail about four weeks into baby no.1 - we now take them straight outside. The smell is just too much.
@fbs - I love that book! And so do the children, obviously. Yes, it is also a favourite in our house. We embellish it with shouts of "Kaka!" each time someone drops a specimen.
@Maggie May - Fair enough. But I don't get it. I suppose I might gag at talk of vomit, so I will try to understand that way.
@Lady Mama - It's what having children will do to you.
@Metropolitan Mum - As does mine. Obviously!
@Iota - Thanks for the link!
I think she meant peeled - but thank you for the interesting image there!
And :-) .
@M.T. Pockets - Well, hello then and goodbye? I will write about something else soon - promise!
@nmaha - The children - they have a lot to answer for.
@Emma - Thank you! I shall be over to visit shortly. And I do hope you end up blogging about it. It will gain you at least one reader. :-)
My best friend and I talk about poop just as we talk about anything else. But I don't know that I'd put it on my blog. That's a tad too "stream of consciousness" for me :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't mind reading about it though, so go ahead ;-)
girl, I never would have guessed poo was such a riveting subject. I've blogged too much on it for unfortunate reasons. It is not a good poo period in this home...
ReplyDeleteI, too, am sad your temp. dietician said no bread, no cheese for the miracle doo. My daughter would NOT go for that. Do you think it's the wheat or the gluten that she was pointing to as the culprit?
:o)
ReplyDeleteI'm not fascinated with poo but I do care about you. Have been away for awhile and wanted to come right and catch up on how you and the family is getting along. Missed reading...you're funny as ever!
ReplyDelete