Gay Porn part VII

You've probably all been following the antics of Bumba and Bumbalu as well as Bob Lady and Little Princess in the tabloids. (For new readers, you can get acquainted with our good friends by clicking the links above, which will also get you caught up with their fascinating story so far.)

Bumba and Bumbalu were last spotted on "I'm a D-list celebrity, watch me eat cockroaches and vomit, the sequel" which pretty much shows how low they have sunk. Bob Lady and Little Princess have gone the other way. After we achieved world-wide critical and popular acclaim together with our lesbian remake of A Fish Called Wanda (The New York Times called it "edgy and emotional"), they decided to go arthouse all the way and have since made five movies which went straight to DVD. They are bravely ignoring the crisis, but then that's easy for some who can live off their daddy's trust funds. I'm just saying.

I'm afraid I don't have a trust fund, so I'm always on the lookout for new stars to put in the movies I have planned, until both sets of artistes come crawling back to me, as they no doubt will. Bumba and Bumbalu are going to wake up one day soon and realise they never had it so good as they did with me, before their descent into debauchery and infamy. Also, when Bob Lady and Little Princess finally run out money they will stop thinking of "commercial" as a dirty word.

Anyway, I recently received in the mail a very interesting package of photos showing movie scenes replayed by undead actors. It appears that the success of the series True Blood has sparked off a bit of a revolution with the zombies of this world. They thought that if humans were so willing to embrace an entirely fictional breed like vampires just because they're on TV, maybe a genuine death-challenged minority race like zombies could achieve acceptance in the real world by playing in mainstream movies.

The Federation of United Zombies for a Better Understanding in the Media (FUZBUM) have spent their entire propaganda budget for this year on a drive to get their best actors into one of my movies. Their promotional package is designed specifically to entice me to employ them, while at the same time dispelling some common misconceptions about zombies.

They have obviously studied my work well, because they sent me photos of gay actors reenacting existing movies only. Actually, I'm not sure the actors themselves are gay, but they are presenting themselves as such. So much the better, I suppose, as surely that's what we're hoping to achieve in the end: the sexuality of the actor becomes a non-issue, and it's the story we concentrate on.

The first image is not exactly going against mainstream opinion, showing zombies as tough guys:

Jurassic Park

Interestingly, they chose to be pictured with another ancient life form which is often portrayed in movies, but which has so far not been shown to actually exist. Nice little nod at cinematographic conventions there, showing a sense of humour about the shock we all experienced when Arnold Schwarzenegger was first outed as a zombie.

The next photo shows a fact which is very important to the zombie world at large, and the members of FUZBUM in particular, namely that zombies can do boring. Yes, they don't always have to be running around scaring people, making gargling sounds, or killing innocents. They can be as boring as an actuary. Or at least pretend to be that boring, because no one could be as boring as an actuary without actually being an actuary. (I think FUZBUM should watch out here, because they are perpetuating another age-old prejudice - against actuaries - which may end up harming rather than helping their case.)

About Schmidt

Then FUZBUM cunningly tackled two prejudices in one image, presumably in order to save money. The economic crisis affects even the undead. The following scene from Pretty Woman is designed to show that zombies are capable of showing affection, as well as bathing. The members of the zombie community I have since met all smelled of roses and lavender which I must admit I hadn't expected myself.

88 inches of therapy

And finally, just to show their range, the zombies tackled a famous science fiction scene. I personally think they could have made a little more effort with their costumes and set, but we get the point: zombies can go intergalactic, too.

Luke, I am your father

After seeing these pictures, I decided to meet with the actors and I was honestly very impressed with their acting abilities. However, I don't think I will be shooting a film with them. I'm having terrible trouble getting funding - Hollywood is always a few steps behind society when it comes to broadening its mind. Apart from that, I find it slightly troubling that their rider demands fresh young virgins for lunch at least every other day.