Stick insect: So when's your baby due?See, that is not a good thing. Not under any circumstances, but especially not under already crappy circumstances. Definitely not when you aren't pregnant. At all. In fact, I am the opposite of pregnant. And I am supposed to go out on a date with my husband immediately after this conversation, in that very same dress.
Me: I'm not pregnant.What else is there to say, really?
Stick insect: Oh you will probably hate me forever now.Then she thinks she will fix the situation. In a brilliant fashion. By making it a million times worse.
Me: Of course I won't.
(Of course I will - because you're an insensitive idiot.)
Stick insect: No, but it's really beautiful.Meaning my belly. Yes. She has the nerve to excuse herself by saying I have such a beautiful pregnant belly. After being told it isn't a pregnant belly. Thereby neatly stressing that really it does look very much like a pregnant belly, beautiful and everything.
You'd think she'd shut up after that. But no. Bearing in mind that she looks like a stick insect - really, her belly is sticking to her back she's so lean - she then plunges the knife in one final time and gives it a good twist:
Stick insect: It's just that I'm pregnant too.Not "too," you cow. You are pregnant only! I am not! Oh my fucking god what kind of farce have I landed in?
I go in one final time trying to save the situation (while actually I should have just punched her squarely in the face by now):
Me: This is what happens if you have three children. You're never quite the same again.And then she adds the lovely final thought, while looking at my "pregnant" stomach:
Stick insect: Oh, this is my second - I'll definitely stop after that.Yeah. I turned away from her after that. It was a matter of self-protection.
On the bright side, for once it was very easy to restrict myself to just a salad on our date. It didn't even cross my mind to have a starter or a dessert. She really should go into weight loss coaching, that woman. She'd make a killing. Or be killed. Whichever. (But I'm betting on the latter.)
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She is evil and did it on purpose.
ReplyDeleteMy own Mother In Law came in to see me ONE hour after I'd given birth and told me I was fat. I nearly hurled her newborn grandson at her.
Yes, I am cursed with two skinny sister in laws and mother in law. They have babies and swan out of hospital in their size six jeans.
Happily I live 500 miles away from them, so I am only made to feel like an elephant twice a year.
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ReplyDeleteThat was horrible. I'm sorry.
ReplyDelete@kelly - You should have hurled something at her. Probably best not your baby, though.
ReplyDelete@Steph - Well, it did make me laugh out loud.
Oh honey. All I can say is that you took a very unfortunate situation and made blog gold of it. (And I'll bet your belly is beautiful and so there.)
ReplyDeletethis had me laughing out loud
ReplyDeleteafter I had Mia long time patients would come in and be excited that I was having a FOURTH
I'd tell them it was gas. cuz it was
xoxoxo
What the hell is wrong with some people? The same thing happened to me after I had my first son. The woman was so mortified, she backed out of the coffee shop and almost tripped over a table trying to get away from me. You know what, I think we need to launch a "never-ask-a-woman-if-she's-pregnant" badge or something. Tsk.
ReplyDeleteBitch. Honestly! Did she come across as meaning well and just putting her foot in it ( which is my trick) or was she just pure evil. My MIL is forever commenting on my weight. Hate her for it. It should be made as big a no no as discussing piles in public.
ReplyDeleteI love the first label for this one. Supermum gets this at the moment. She's not to proud to say 'yes' to seats on the Tube, though, every now and then.
ReplyDeleteNot "too," you cow. You are pregnant only! I am not! Oh my fucking god what kind of farce have I landed in?
ReplyDelete- teehee! This is blog gold, alright, but I think, but you know it might even call for a homemade movie? I want to hear that sentence in Stephen Hawking speak.
Bless you. You should have taken off your sanitary pad and rubbed it on her face :)
Heheheheh, bleh, sorry if that's too far.
I just wrote 'sanity pad', I wonder if that's sisgnificant :)
What a cow! Unless someone is wearing a 'baby on board' t-shirt, that is just something you should never ever ever say out loud. My god. Do you know her? I hope she doesn't have a kid in Jack's class... will you have to see her again? Ever?! Are you planning more comeback lines, in case you do see her?
ReplyDeleteAnother vote for her being killed - what an incredibly smug, self satisfied horror she sounds to be
ReplyDeleteGood on you for not resorting to physical violence though
I hate that statement... bloody hell can't people not realise that sometimes we are just fat! I would undoubtedly have screamed at her. On the other hand I was known to wear hold everything in pants before going to see my gran who used to state "your fat" at every opportunity but it wasn't OK for me to say and your'e too thin!!
ReplyDeleteBNM
Anna Swir (from the book of her poetry, "Fat like the Sun"):
ReplyDelete"She has the right to have a fat belly,
her belly has borne five children.
They warmed themselves at it, it was the sun of their childhood.
The five children have gone,
her fat belly remains.
This belly
is beautiful."
I love that image of children warming themselves beside the fire of a woman who is herself, not a plastic image.
Not that I want to discourage you, if you want to slim.
But some unconnected thoughts: I was a stick insect when I met my current partner - was he impressed? Like fuck he was. He grudgingly admitted that clothes looked nice on me (but was not terribly clothes orientated).
Killer fact to make you feel happier about stick insect woman: thin women have a harder time at menopause. Everything that goes around, comes around (desperate clarification: not saying that thin women deserve to suffer, just *insensitive* (thin) women who piss Mwa off.
Have you seen how "fat" Marilyn Monroe was, by today's standards?
Body image pressure deserves a post too. Don't you think you're doing enough, bringing up three happy, healthy children? Who said you had to be thin at the same time? And why would you want to be?
Much love.
Eeewwwww! How did you restrain yourself! Sounds like she didn't even sound embarassed with her comments. Anyhow, things happen to you that make such brilliant blog posts.
ReplyDeletethis just reinforces my rule to never never ask a woman something along the lines of "how far along are you?" unless she herself has announced that she is pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIt's the situation we have all joked about but hope it never happens.....what a thoughtless cow
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I think anyone with half a brain would agree that you would be well within your right to have strangled her at any of those moments. What a horrendous person. Obviously not the brightest bulb. Maybe when she said it was beautiful, she meant your dress? I'm hoping, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. But then she continued to go on and on...and so second, I think that's why voodoo dolls were invented!!
ReplyDeleteLets hope she has a third and her guts spill all over the place and never goes back!!!! Oh that's evil isn't it. I am one of the 'slight' built people and have the third baby belly that I would love to have just disappear. I am walking and doing pilates, its helping a little, so thats a plus.
ReplyDeletex Sandi
Yeah, someone once unbelievably asked me if I was pregnant or had I just 'let myself go a bit'? Luckily I was pregnant with my third - the letting-myself-go-a-bit came directly after that pregnancy. Take no notice!!
ReplyDeleteI love my wobbly belly. I'd stick it out at anyone who'll dare call me pregnant. Ha.
ReplyDeleteI've been asked that question twice, both times I was actually pregnant but only just, so definitely not showing. I was so gobsmacked that I admitted to being pregnant before anyone other than hubby and myself knew. Never again, next time I'd be very happy to totally embarrass the person asking the question. Although this one was probably so blissful in pregnancy hormones that she didn't actually listen and wouldn't realise how much she'd embarrassed herself.
So do me a favour and have some chocolate and wine tonight.
Oh good lord - what is *wrong* with some people. Defies belief really. Feckers.
ReplyDelete@Ms. Moon - Thank you.
ReplyDelete@michelle - I had someone ask me once when I was actually recently pregnant but my belly was all gas as well. I told her never to do that again.
@Lady Mama - I know! I don't get it. It's not like there aren't lots of women around with a bit of a potbelly.
@Kelloggsville - I don't know. Obviously she didn't mean to insult me, but she really should have known better.
@dadwhowrites - Giggle. Does she really do that?
@Jo - I badly want to make a home movie, but the previously free service has gone paid and my priorities tell me not to spend money on that just now. Also, I'm pissed off with them for making me download more than half a gig of stuff, promising it would be free, and then at the end it turns out you have to pay if you actually want to use the "free" programme.
@Rhi - She does have a kid in Jack's class. I will see her again, but I may just stick to the people who know I'm not pregnant next time. Or wear a girdle.
@Muddling Along - :-)
@BNM - I do think I deserve brownie points for staying friendly.
@Pueblo girl - Thank you so much for that comment. It was beautiful. And very helpful.
Much love to you.
@Victoria - I know! I was mortified and ashamed (three days later I'm still pulling in my stomach) but seconds later I was smiling, thinking "I must blog this!"
@Megan - Very good rule.
@diney - Yeah. Not fun when it does.
@Kate - Voodoo dolls - teehee.
@sandiart - I'm looking into which exercises would help. I think it's just because he was nearly five kilos that this happened. My stomach was fine after the other two.
@potterjotter - That is UNBELIEVABLE. Did you punch them? Or were they joking?
@cartside - I did! :-)
@Hot Cross Mum - Feckers indeed.
The fact that (a) she's still alive and (b) has not been head-butted proves that you're a true saint. I love you more than ever.
ReplyDeleteI get a lot of that, not after my baby (only one till date), but after we started the business. (I have put on the entrepreneur's 15, similar to the freshman 15).
ReplyDeleteBut the humiliation aside, your perspective was rofl funny.