Not just another audition

Some of my new readers may be unaware of this, but I am not only a blogger, a teacher, and a mother of three; I am also a film director. Ah yes. My greatest triumph was my remake of Brokeback Mountain featuring my two favourite clowns, Bumba and Bumbalu, in the starring roles of Ennis and Jack.

Ever since that movie, I must admit my movie career has been on the back burner somewhat, but I have been auditioning various candidates for new movies. More accurately, after my first film's unprecedented popular success and critical acclaim, scores of actors have been sending in audition tapes and demos of themselves in the hope that I will consider them for my upcoming new projects.

Yesterday, I received another such attempt. I'm starting to think the economic downturn has hit actors particularly badly, because this one can only be called a desperate cry for help, a last ditch attempt at finding a job in an otherwise barren market.

Moe and Joe

I would like you to meet Moe and Joe, two diminutive friends loosely associated with the artsy crowd Bumba and Bumbalu move in. Moe and Joe have decided they want to make it on the big screen and they are not going to let their small size stop them. They have read Tom Cruise's autobiography cover to cover and now they have a masterplan. Like Tom, they are trying to cultivate the image of the maverick; the daredevil even. It's a shame that, in their case at least, it really is only an image, as you will see all too soon.

Consistent with their chosen persona of tiny tearaways, Moe and Joe decided to theme their audition on the movie Arachnophobia. They figure any remake with them would be even better than the original, as even common garden spiders can grow to be half their size. Just imagine a well-placed tarantula: it would positively tower over them. Obviously their meagre unemployment benefit didn't stretch to enable them to hire a real tarantula. Still, we must applaud them for their efforts. Kind of...

See, while the idea of the small toy vs large spider movie is a very clever one, I can see many problems with this picture they sent in.

• For a start, our "daredevils" are obviously wearing protective plastic suits. They are transparent, but surely they didn't think I wouldn't notice? 
• The second problem is in their facial expressions: Moe is obviously panicking, while Joe looks completely clueless. Here's another photo of Moe:
  
  
  
  
  Look at the panic in those eyes! Look at the mouth ready for a scream. Hardly a hero, methinks.
• The third problem is one that clearly shows their lack of understanding of the film business, or perhaps a touch of stupidity, both of which would make it hard to make a full motion picture with these guys. Here's the rub: Moe and Joe decided to brag and show me they are fully at ease with the ways of modern film making. They decided to do this by posing in front of a blue screen, implying I could add whatever background I want.
  
  
  
  
  It's a shame they forgot they're both blue themselves! D'oh! Yeah, neither seems to be the cleverest grape in the bunch. (I'm starting to see how Joe might have got his facial tattoo.) Ah well, kind of sweet really.
  

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As an extra treat, I have managed to get my hands on some photos of the "making of" of the above auditions, from my insider spies (I know the spiders personally).

Here's an amusing one of Moe and Joe practising a scene with a more manageable stand-in, working up the courage to call one of the spiders on set:

And here's one in which the spiders got one of their cousins to climb into Moe's protective suit. They're still getting that picture out every time they get together, just to have a little giggle at the abject terror on poor Moe's face. Spiders are not sensitive souls; what can I say?

Have a great weekend, my lovely people!