Sunday, 15 May 2011

Girl, you'll be a woman soon

On Friday, I became a woman. I could tell I was no longer a girl/tomboy because of the way I was holding my shoulders. It was obvious from the way I walked in my black clingy dress: curvy, unashamed. Anyone could tell I was a woman from the way I bought a single croissant for my breakfast (not a sticky bun or even two), kept it in the bag and just pulled off small parts of it while walking to the hairdresser's. In the salon, I didn't apologise for myself, make self-deprecating remarks, worry that I didn't measure up - a woman wouldn't, would she? I went for lunch with my sister; we sat on a sunny terrace with our sunglasses on; I had the most womanly Chef's Salad with a glass of white wine.

Then today I was that girl again.

I woke up with a stupid cold. A woman would have remembered to take her vitamin supplement. A woman wouldn't have wanted her baby's fruit mush so badly that she shared it with him, knowing perfectly well that the spoon was full of creche germs and snot by then. A woman would have found a better way to amuse her kids than to put that snotty baby's dummy in her mouth.

Taking Jack to the swimming pool, I had forgotten my flip flops and refused to go outside the changing rooms with him. A woman would have remembered them. In fact, a woman would not have needed them, being immune to verrucas and not prone like a girl. A woman would not have told her six year old to go shower all by himself, surrounded by other kids and their supportive parents.

I phoned my sister and had a fight with her. A woman would not have done that. A woman would either not have invited her and her family for a meal and Eurovision party, or if she had she would not have phoned to say it was only going to be sandwiches because she was going to the school fete first and would need more than just dos cervezas to get through it. A woman would have been all composed (and sober) at the stove, pretty in an apron, cooking a fast yet tasty meal. The girl thought
She doesn't want me or my company, she only wants the food. When's the last time she cooked me a meal? I would have got good bread and nice cheese. There would have been alcohol. Why doesn't she love me enough?
A woman would have known that a sister can also be a girl. A girl in the middle of exams and probably thinking
But she was going to cook me a meal. Why doesn't she think I'm more important than a stupid school party and dos cervezas? Doesn't she love me enough?

A woman would have worn her favourite dress to the school party. She would have got it in the wash on time and arrived looking gorgeous, curvy, unashamed. She would not have pulled a pair of jeans from the bottom of the pile of clothes in her bedroom, added a shirt that's slightly too small across her boobs and a scarf for warmth around her sore throat. If that woman had turned up at the school fete in that perfect dress, the school gate mummies would have reconsidered their evening plans to go out for a meal without her. They would have said "Why don't you come along, you gorgeous, unashamed, curvaceous woman, with your perfect husband and your perfect children?"
A woman would not have cared if she hadn't been invited of course. It's not as if I'm going steady with any of them. I've met some of them without all the others in tow.
But why don't they love me enough? Is it my jeans? Is it the scarf? Is it because I had a third baby? Is it because I can't turn up on Friday afternoons to chat in the park any more?

A woman would be asleep right now, happy in her post-Eurosong party alcoholic daze. Not like this girl, who slept all the way through Eurosong, now sitting up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, snotty, stewing, a pile of tissues on the ground next to her.

I don't like this girl. Tomorrow, I want to be a woman again.

28 comments:

  1. Wow. I don't think I've ever been a *Woman*.

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  2. I do love that girl as well though. X

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  3. I am mostly "a girl" and dream of being a woman - sounds like you achieved it at least for a day in fine style, and with 3 kids. Good going, I've got two and I'm not sure I could!

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  4. Those women don't really exist, you know. They are all just little children underneath with much the same fears and worries as the rest of us. Life never goes to plan - you're dealing with it as best you can, like we all are.

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  5. I have never been a woman for a very long length of time and I am not sure I want to be. These woman scare me in their perfect world, with their perfect children. I am learning that I have to be happy in my own skin. But............. I am the one who isn't invited to things and sits home alone and feels oh so lonely and lost a lot of the time too

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  6. Yeh well, I'm the girl 99% of the time, but if I do get asked out I mostly don't go cos the confidence level is very low, due to when I did go out most people would be in their little groups and I would be ignored, feels very horrid. Luckily I love my own company.
    x Sandi

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  7. What? You mean we all have to grow up sometime? Noooooo.

    Wonderful post - hope you feel better soon xx

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  8. Oh honey. I don't know if women can get their lives to be like they want them to be either.

    The snot will dry up at some point.

    hug*

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  9. @Steph - It didn't exactly last very long for me either. :-)

    @An - And I love you. X

    @K - I don't think it was a coincidence that Charlie was in the creche and the other two at school for the whole of it. :-)

    @potterjotter - Really? Some do such a good job of pretending in that case. I am totally fooled.

    @TheMadHouse - I hate that feeling. But yes, acceptance is the thing. I try, I really do.

    @sandiart - I love my own company when I was the one who said no as well. ;-)

    @Helena Halme - No, I don't think you HAVE to. Some days I just want to.

    @Jo - I sure hope so. And I hope it does before my nose falls off.
    And hug to you.

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  10. Are sisters ever women - when they are together? When I am with mine at Christmas we still compare what our mum and dad got us, and then if we feel it's not equal we can have a little disagreement. :-) .

    I think you sound like you were dressed just right. Those women who were dressed up are trying too hard - lack of confidence I imagine.

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  11. Aloe balm tissues! They are a saviour!

    No sisters are never women! So true!

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  12. Oh my dear... hugs, virtual gin and a reminder that the whole woman thing is a facade for most people

    You are fab as you are, doing brilliantly with three and gorgeous - do try and remember it

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  13. I think that the fact we only get to be a 'woman' for mere glimpses at a time is the beauty of it. When that day happens, for me, I am so stunned and amazed at my own gloriousness it's as though I have morphed into a whole new human being.

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  14. Mwa, you are a woman, and a girl, and a funny writer, and a lovely person. Don't be so hard on yourself, we here all think you're great.

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  15. Being a 'woman' is sooo yesterday!

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  16. well i love this. cheeky is the way to view our struggles. cheeeeeeky!

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  17. Forget being in touch with my inner child (all too easy) - like you, I would appreciate better communication with my inner woman....

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  18. a woman writes like this!

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  19. I don't think the 'woman' exists. The girl will do just fine. Hope you made up with your sister. x

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  20. i could have written this exact post.
    i'm still convinced we are sisters from another mister.
    geography sucks...cause i'd so hang with you just cuz you are so confident being you, jeans and all.
    btw: i totally pull out the jeans thing sooo often...1: b/c they don't wrinkle 2: they keep my legs warm in freezing restaurants, 3: they are more comfortable than a dress or any other body torturous clothing. i'm telling you...we are so 2 sides of the same coin...

    ohh...when i wear jeans instead of a cutesy sundress, i feel inadequate because the cute little housewives have their perfectly ironed dresses, with perfect make-up (me, I'm lucky to have some left over from the morning, because i ain't reapplying that shit for evening events), and here i sit with a pair of jeans and tennis shoes. oh well...
    i've adjusted...it's just me.

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  21. Hi there,

    I just found your blog, and this was a great post to read first: I've thought these thoughts many times (well, except the children-related ones as I don't have any of my own). I have started to refer to myself as a woman in the past year, though, and since it took 31 years to get there I don't think I want to go back to 'girl'...

    Gonna keep reading now.

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  22. I think we all alternate between being a woman and a girl. I know I certainly do.

    this, BTW, is beautifully written. You are a brilliant woman/girl ;-)

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  23. You are a girl-woman, the best of the female species. The woman part keeps you interesting and the girl part keeps you young.
    Unlucky stupid school moms, they missed out on a great time with you. I would have asked you out on a girl-woman date in a flash. (Would you have said yes?)

    Oh! and I love V's food way more than her, sometimes we trade as if we are at a school lunch. She gives me her M&Ms and I give her my watermelon.

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  24. You are the perfect mix of woman and girl, keep your chin up. x

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  25. Truth is, girls have much more fun than women.

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  26. Feel better...
    I am about 8 years old...maybe I will be a woman one day...

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  27. :)

    I love this post!
    And I'm hoping that you're fine by now, and back to being Woman!

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