(That's what's wrong with us bleeding heart liberals, you know. We can't even kill pests with a clear conscience. See what happened with Bin Laden? The good guys go and take out a bad guy and we're all "Yeah, but what about due process? " I thought it was quite funny when a Republican senator or something was being interviewed on CNN and the reporter asked him if this was an assassination and if there should be an investigation, and the guy just went "I don't think we need to waste too many thoughts on this." Which to me seems to capture very well the difference between us over-thinking bleeding heart liberals and the other lot. But then that may just be my own prejudices coming out. Whatever. On with the snails.)
So as if it wasn't already a problem for me that I am a serial killer myself, I am now teaching my children the fine art of mass extermination as well. The other night, I told them the price of their dinner was five snails. Jack, the sweetheart, was so worried Marie wouldn't get any food he found nine on her behalf.
Me: Throw the snails in this bucket.There are so many things wrong with that conversation, even if you disregard the fact that I wouldn't feed them unless they went on a killing spree. The snails keep trying to get out of the bucket, and then one of the children will go and stir the lemonade with a stick so they drown a little faster.
Jack: What's in the bucket?
M: Lemonade.
J: What happens to the snails once they're in there?
M: Well, they die. But they die while drinking lemonade, so I think they die happy.
I teach my children other things as well, you know. Like that swatting mosquitoes is okay because they bite us, but swatting flies is not very nice because they don't do anything wrong. I also teach them to be careful when putting a spider outside the house. Maybe I should teach them the word "hypocrite" next.
Posts
Argh, horrible snails! And you have loads!!! They are awful and eat away at the plants - I say exterminate all the way and save your garden! Just tell the kids its for the garden.
ReplyDeleteI remember being forced to go collect caterpillars off the broccoli and put them in a bucket of water. Why the lemonade? Is it just to make them die happy?
ReplyDeleteI just read a tip for keeping slugs and snails off pots - vaseline round the rim and sprinkle it with salt.
It's all v difficult.
One of my earliest memories of hanging out with my Grandparents was helping Grandpa kill the earwigs in his garden. Each morning we would go out together and empty his 'traps' in to buckets of water. Grandpa would count them, and be happy with his mass murderous ways. He was a passionate gardener, and the most lovely old man. I think you are giving your kids a skill for life ;)
ReplyDeleteMy mum does this. I like to collect them with the kids and 'set them free' in the paddock. Bloody hippie.
ReplyDeleteI love this post in so many ways! Thanks for brightening my day.
ReplyDeleteAnd I found myself thinking much the same last night as I was catching ants who were running all over the dining table. If they would just stay on the floor, they'd be safe! But on the dining table? No mercy...
I tend to catch mine and flick them next door.
ReplyDeleteSalt worksd too but that is probably nastier than lemonade
BNM
This post made me remember that I, too, used to have hostas. It must be two years since I last saw them, thanks to the snails.
ReplyDeleteDisgusting snail experience today - I picked one up to throw it over the garden wall, and looked at what it was attached to and eating off. A dead baby bird.
Not sure where the snails and slugs are this year as my hostas are looking great for once! We flick flies (yes you have to be quick) and once they are stunned they get thrown outside for the birds to eat. I like that your snails are enjoying their lemonade during their last hours!
ReplyDeleteI think you can be happy that not only are you educating your children, but other non-gardeners like me. Thankyou. You may be cruel to snails, but it's a top tip.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteFlies don't do anything wrong? They carry disease! They sit on poo and then on your food! What's not to dislike? Swat 'em, I say.
ReplyDeleteMum used to pay us to gather up snails. No idea what she did with them next but we got a lot of snails...
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm with NVG - flies are nasty critters. Swot them I say. You never catch them...
Oh God. The shock of reading this post first thing in the morning!!! I am seriously impressed with all those snails...what size garden do you have for goodness sake? The evidence points to the fact that you live in a botanical paradise (with a snail killing dictator at the head of it). Pure brilliance x
ReplyDeleteThat is a whole lot of snails!
ReplyDeleteHadn't realised you could kill them with lemonade
I think snails are just gross. They're dying a happy death, if by lemonade. Don't feel bad.
ReplyDeleteHilarious!! I like the lemonade idea too. Have done slugs with beer before but then you end up with this utterly disgusting cocktail of slug and beer and disposing of that is almost worse than witnessing the damage they do.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've tagged you on the Save the Children meme that's doing the rounds. I hope that's ok.
you put them in a bucket of lemonade? The emphasis being on 'put'! sink the bucket into the ground and let them walk to their own funeral...geesh woman..you could sit with glass of lemonade in hand and watch the self slaughter.
ReplyDeleteLike PlanB I used to just get my snails drunk by putting out a bowl of beer, in which they were supposed to die. If they are responsible drinkers, they don't actually die, they just get the bus home, the shitheads. Now I usually toss them in the road.
ReplyDeleteIs it true that if you step on one it bursts out 100 more snail seeds?
Try the Red Lemonade that I was writing about the other day. Not only will it kill them, it will cremate them as well. Oh, and it will burn a hole in the bottom of the bucket and kill off all your grass, but you can't have anything.
ReplyDeleteBNM,your suggestion of flicking them next door is brilliant, by the way. You and your neighbour should get tennis rackets.
This is really funny, because Lola just made a friend last week by picking up snails to SAVE them and make sure they didn't get crushed by feet. The little girl was doing this in front of their school and Lola stopped to help. She won't let me leave the driveway before she's moved the snails from out of the way of the wheels! AND one time, not to long ago, I did a blog post on how I save all our snails from drowning when it rains even though they eat my flowers. lol
ReplyDeletei mean * not TOO long* sigh
ReplyDeletewow, that's a lot of snails!
ReplyDeleteI am laughing and shaking my head. Now that I've read that I can't pretend that I haven't read it. First-the whole liberals v. others is perfection. You hit the nail on the head with that one.
ReplyDeleteSecond-the bucket of snails is beautiful and grosses me out and they CLIMB OUT?? YUCK. How do they climb out?
Third-you have frogs and snails in your yard...is this normal around the world? We don't have anything (as far as animals the we can see besides squirrels, birds, and animals like that...no infestations).
Fourth-I am a bleeding heart liberal but I kill all animals that decide to reside in my house (that I don't invite in). You are welcome to the patch of land in my backyard, I'll throw you a little party. But you come into my house and I will KILL you.
Fifth-we have mice in our garage and I am FREAKING out. I don't even want to go out there and I have nightmares about them crawling under the door. Heebie jeebies. I want to get the traps that don't kill them because it would seriously bug me out to see a mouse cut in half, but I don't want to throw a container in the trash and hear a mouse running around in it. WHAT DO I DO?
Sixth-I apologize for commenting so long. My normal is sectioning it into parts. Very sorry, I'm probably sick. I have mice and now snails on the brain.
And I think your conversation with Jack is perfection. And I think it's really funny they go and stir it. And my nieces and nephew pick up poop for $5 at their house before dinner (from their dog) so I think you work to eat is a pretty fair situation.
ReplyDeleteSee what I mean...I wasn't even done after I wrote that book above! I'm sick I tell you, sick!
So familiar! We have big ants and some kind of hover flies in the garden that dig up all the sand between the stones. Husband asked son to pour loads of water into the holes. That was after watching 'A bugs' life' together on DVD...being hypocrite shouldn't apply to stuff to do with insects. After all they are a lower life form,...or something along those lines...? Perhaps?
ReplyDeleteOh and don't swat flies. We had hundreds of maggots crawling out of one's arse after we had killed it! All over windowsill. We were just in time to catch them and go and puke afterwards!
ReplyDeleteEWWWWWWW
ReplyDeleteOmg! what gross stores these girls have.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the you-can-do-anything-in-my-garden-but-if-you-enter-my-house-I'll-kill-you camp.This applies to geckos as well. Now do you feel better.
I totally agree on the Bin Laden point. That guy was a terrorist who cares whether he dies with or without a gun in his hand. Sorry, I can't be PC about such shit.
oh boy! snails! out here in the middle east those are a novelty we never get to see! which is fiiine by me!
ReplyDeleteSecond laugh of the day, do I see a trend? Oh, and on the snail topic. I haven't crossed that bridge yet, still waaaaaaay too liberal. I hate the little b*** but I am still at the stage of putting them in a bucket and actually take the time and pain to throw them in the park once a week (with three kids, job and all, don't ask why I still find time for this). Have to admit: I sometimes forget about them. Hence the question: what's best to die from, lemonade overdose or hunger?
ReplyDeleteshouldn't you be eating the snails?
ReplyDeletearound here we have slugs, which are really just snails without shells. i have taught the girl the joy of pouring salt on them. it liquidates them.