Babes bullied me tonight until I went and did some exercise. The bastard. He must think I'm too fat or something. I couldn't face going to the gym, so I went for a bike ride along the canal to the next town. The journey is perfectly idyllic, away from the main road. There are some house boats and back gardens, but apart from that it's all green and lush, full of birdsong. It was getting slightly misty, with the smell of potential rain. Perfection all around.
So you'd think I enjoyed all this to the full, right? I must have cycled along, happily reveling in the beauty of nature. Right? Well, I did - a bit. But it also struck me that I am spending more and more of my time being scared again. I was scared of the big roads I had to cross, scared of the potential rapists/murderers hiding in the long grass, scared of the smells coming from the factory I passed (it smelled of nail varnish remover), and most of all scared of the gaggles of geese dotted along the tow path. But one of them hissed at me! Which is bloody scary. I tried to think of all of my readers out there who live in exotic places and who have lions or alligators or even dinosaurs for all I know to worry about when they venture outside their houses. It helped a little, in that I decided that if forced to choose between a roaring lion, a snapping alligator and a hissing goose, I would most definitely go for the goose. My heart and breathing still stopped for a while going through each group of them.
After a while I decided that I should stop being scared. Or, to put it more mindfully: I should recognise the fears, let them be and then let them go. I gave myself permission to put my hand on my bicycle bell when I spotted a lonely angler (they do hurt fish for sport after all), but apart from that I told myself to just enjoy the ride. I saw a rabbit running across the track and stop to look at me from the bushes, ducks admonishing their chicks ("Vera, Victor, Teresa and Mary, stay closer to me now. You remember what happened to your brother yesterday!" - I don't know why, but ducks strike me as most Catholic. Especially Belgian ducks) and what I was pretty sure was a parakeet flying right in front of my face.
Anyway, don't tell Babes but the exercise did me the world of good. I should keep doing it until I stop being scared, I suppose - or until I'm murdered. That would put a stop to it alright. Next time I go, I will meditate on the beauty of my surroundings while being kind to myself about my fears when they pop up and seeing them for what they really are: only fears. Thoughts, not reality.
Next time.
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This post has been included in this month's British Mummy Blogger's carnival.
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...or until I'm murdered. That would put a stop to it alright.
ReplyDeleteMade me chuckle. And geese are totally scary. They're mean!
My daughter hissed at me like a goose today! I'm not sure which is the more scarey the real thing or her! And a goose once bit me - nasty things. Keep up the exercise, it does make you feel and sleep better I think.
ReplyDeleteThe fear is worse than the goose.
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps the geese were the embodiment of your fears?
Hey- I saw an alligator while walking on a trail here in North Florida once. Nowhere near water. Just, duh-de-duh. And both of us screamed. Okay, he hissed. Yes, alligators hiss. And I took off running.
ReplyDeleteGuess what? I lived. So did he.
I think the time I saw bear tracks scared me even more. I kept thinking he might be following me even though I KNOW that bears do not attack humans here in Florida.
Honey. I am scared of everything and I completely get this. I think you are wise to acknowledge and get on with it.
Ha, Mwa, Ms Moon's comment makes you feel better, eh? Bahahaha, alligators and bears, v gooses. HA!
ReplyDeleteI get you....look that fear in the face and keep on trucking. We all have to, and I've not even had to face all these mighty animals.
ReplyDelete"I should recognise the fears, let them be and then let them go" Summed up perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI am scared of so many things too, especially since having kids and being scared of things for them. Good on you for keeping on cycling and writing about it so well I felt I was riding along the bike path with you
"I should recognise the fears, let them be and then let them go"
ReplyDeleteWhen you learn a way to do that pass it on to me. Since becoming a mum, scared is one of my pain feelings.
Oh and now I feel guiolting cause my bike is hanging on the wall with soft tired and I have even softer willpower!
The first time I went to a big city after having Finn I had such anxiety I was about to have a panic attack. I think it comes with having children because we all know the world will be very black without a mother.
ReplyDeleteThat's great that you felt good about it in the end. And I'm glad you wrote this, because I thought I was alone in my scared-y-ness. I've been wanting to go for a run for months and I think my fears are holding me back. It's true that when you put yourself out there and face your feels it feels so good.
ReplyDeleteNaughty goose!!! You should have hissed back at it and told it that it had bad manners!
ReplyDeleteFear, arrrhhhh, I know fear too well.
x Sandi
I accompanied a group of preschoolers on a field trip to the duckpond yesterday - and they were all terrified of the geese. Geese are scary!
ReplyDeleteSince I had my son almost 2 years ago, I have been a little scared pussy cat. But I can't exactly pin point it to just that either, as I witnessed men stealing a women's purse at Wal-Mart; my sister ran off a someone trying to jimmy her car; i have had an alligator charge me while on horseback and my horse froze in fear (needless to say I dropped my beer), the economy is terrible here in the states and people are doing crazy bad things, had a friend get rapped in the bathroom at a nightclub, and the list goes on...so all of these incidents add up to one scared little chick, but whereas before I only had me to worry about, now I have a son who would be left without a mommy.
ReplyDeleteBtw: Animal Planet (idk if you get this channel there) has crazy ass incidents about weird animals attacking all of the time...
Mwa, would you ever have thought that two of your readers had been menaced by alligators?? I'm astounded!
ReplyDeleteSwans (which are a bit like geese I suppose) can break your arm apparently. You had a lucky escape.
ReplyDeleteDinosaurs? Had to laugh at that bit!
I'm scared of everything these days, but you just have to power through it all. You are right to be scared of geese, though! They can attack - feel the fear and run for the hills!
ReplyDeleteWow, you are so Zen these days. You are making me feel bad, I am still the usual neurotic mess.
ReplyDeleteThough I do agree with you that hiss geese (and hissing swans!) are scary! I prefer my geese in pate form I think.
You always give me a few surprise laughters, I love those, they sneak up and are so fun and silly and wonderful, thank you.
ReplyDeleteYes, ducks DO seem Catholic, what a perfect observation.
Geese hissing is scary.
I thought the same thing the other day when I was being bothered by ants in the house, I thought OMG what if I lived some where where they had huge scary biting bugs, or even where Ms Moon is where they have lizards and things lurking around.
You're right about the fears. Nice bike ride philosophizing, thank you!
I'm a animal lover, however, I like to keep a respectful distance between my loves and me. We all need our space you see.
ReplyDeleteGeese are damn evil.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting discussion is worth comment. There's no doubt that that you should publish more on this subject, it may not be a taboo subject but typically people don't talk about these issues.
ReplyDeleteTo the next! Cheers!!
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