I have this overwhelming need to accomplish something today.
Of course I accomplish many things every day. To be honest, some days I should get an award just for getting out of bed. When I've been up in the night wondering why Charlie won't stop screaming (teeth, too hot, too cold, dirty nappy, uncomfortable, sick, hungry: there are just too many options) and the day starts unreasonably early - again - I sometimes feel I should be able to pull out a get out of jail free card and beg for a day off.
I'm writing this post during afternoon naptime (long may it last but probably it won't) and so far today, I have coaxed three children into clothes and a decent breakfast. We have met up with my expat mother and baby group at the children's farm, walked in the park, petted the animals, had pancakes for lunch. I have changed two nappies, wipes many hands and faces, tidied up a few messes already. This afternoon there will be laundry and a trip to the supermarket. And yet, none of that seems like an accomplishment as such.
What I need is to have done something new and exciting. Anything. Just to know I still exist as a person, outside my function of being a mother. A glorious function it is, and one I cherish, but I sometimes feel like it's eating me up completely, and there is no space left for the rest of me. The me who used to take an extra university degree just for the fun of it. The me who loves the smell of books and travelling alone. The me who is still in there, dammit, if you bother to look (most people don't).
And that is why I've cunningly decided that later on today I need to cook chilli con carne, after which I need to bake banoffee pie, neither of which I've even eaten before. (I need to think small. Another degree or solo trip isn't really on the cards right now.) I want to do this while looking after three children. Because I'm clever that way. And when the children complain they don't want to eat kidney beans and the pie has collapsed and Babes refuses a second portion because he had a hot lunch, I will only have myself to blame. I told me so!
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Ach. Maybe your me needs to tell your I so more :)
ReplyDeleteHey there, know exactly what you mean, the only thing i accomplish today was the ironing.. That is really not the "me" i used to be...
ReplyDeleteOOh - chilli and banoffee. You have me totally inspired too. I am feeling distinctly lack lustre today. Can't sleep recently and am exhausted by 11am. How I ever expect to be more productive in life - in areas other than child care - I have no idea. This state of exhaustion appears to be permanent. I am sure I was never this TATT before I had children. I think the banoffee pie in particular could cheer me up no end. And a spectacular sugar rush might give me some energy (even short lived) at the very least.
ReplyDeleteOh baby. You HAVE accomplished so much. Believe that. But I know what you mean. I do.
ReplyDelete@Jo - I had to read that about twenty times, but now I think I get it. :-)
ReplyDelete@Frankie Parker - Welcome! And oh yeah. Oh yeah.
@Nicola - It may be the weather. Yes, that's the story I'm sticking to.
@Ms. Moon - I have to believe it. I do. But it would be nice to have something other than the "usual" done as well.
Now I'm hugry.
ReplyDeleteOnce you have accomplished the chili and the banoffee can you try your hand at that rainbow cake please? http://www.whisk-kid.com/2009/08/say-it-with-cake.html
ReplyDeleteAs mine as you saw on my blog really left me feeling like a failure.
I thought that might happen. It really makes no sense :)
ReplyDeleteWhat ine things to tr and accomplish. I too feel as though I am losing the me that wasn't scared to ry new things
ReplyDeleteYou've accomplished a blog post too! What a productive day indeed.
ReplyDeleteisn't getting 3 kids out of the house an accomplishment? It is in my book! You're still in there honest and when you have time some of it will pop back out but for now I would sit (do you ever get to just sit?) in smug satisfaction that you are achieving every single day, you are, yes you are :)
ReplyDeleteSomedays I feel this way. But if I could be the old me, I would get very bored and wish I could be the me I am today. So your solution is perfect, do something new and different and at the same time enjoy the 3 lovely children you have and the wonderful husband and you'll have the best of both worlds!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate, my husband and I often talk about the trips we are are going to do when the kids get older!
ReplyDeleteBeing able to do a little bit of work from home recently certainly helped me feel more useful, even though a day with small children is always certainly a busy and important day.
God, I know what you mean. It's as if the societal identities of 'mother', 'father', 'parent', 'worker', 'middle-class person', 'working class person' ('#notw journo'?) squeeze out all possibility of self-generated action.
ReplyDeleteI need to do something similar, a small, disguised act of rebellion.
Three kids and you're still managing to blog and cook - come on you're not doing that badly
ReplyDeleteI think it is good to try new things. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteI admire your ability to work little adventures into your daily routine!
ReplyDeleteI always think I want to cook, then ten minutes into it, end up cursing the hot stove or the pain in my back or how I can never seem to get the garlic to a good enough "minced".
I hope your cooking adventures turned out well! Chili con carne. YUM.
@Steph - You and me both. Me permanently.
ReplyDelete@fiona - That is one funny looking cake. But I don't think I will, ta. I'm kind of scared of food colouring and I don't think I have the patience to make it out of eight kinds of real stuff. :-)
@TheMadHouse - It's time to wake up the other me! It's hard, though, when you're already worn down just from getting through a day.
@cartside - Yay!
@Kelloggsville - I do like to just sit. But I do tend to "do something" even then, even if it's read or watch TV. I should make a mental note to just sit sometime/meditate. You're right.
@Kate - Ah yes, I don't want the old me again either. She was always depressed. This me gets down sometimes, but always gets back up again, out of necessity, but who cares? Up is up.
@K - We have a plan to get a little van or a motorhome and see Europe and beyond together. Just drive off into the sunset.
@dadwhowrites - That's it exactly! A small, disguised act of rebellion. I will remember that.
@Muddling Along - Thanks! I know some of us (not looking at anyone in particular here, eh) manage that AND a job. But yeah, I get your point.
@Megan - Yay!
@Sara - It was YUM indeed. And I do like my adventures. I have about a million I'd like to have these holidays.