I'm having some trouble getting my thoughts written down. Getting my thoughts out. Having thoughts in the first place. I will try to give it a go.
Today, my head was slightly clearer. It started at five-ish when I couldn't sleep any longer. I lingered a while, but then I had to get up to pee, and by then it was nearly half past six and I knew the alarm would go off at seven thirty so there wasn't much point sleeping again. I read a little in The Noonday Demon and it gave me some insights that I needed. Well, they were probably more like reminders, but still. I'm only halfway through the book and I'm not sure I would recommend it, because so far it has read much like an advert for the pharmaceutical industry and its antidepressants. On the other hand, I'm sure the author is sincere when he talks about how his pills have saved him. In any case, the chapter I was reading this morning talked about the connection between depression and poverty, and about how poor people are often poor because they are depressed and depressed because they are poor, and they cannot motivate themselves or pluck up the oomph to change their circumstances. Which made me see that lately, I've been lacking the oomph and I think it might have to do with the fact that I'm still not gainfully employed and therefore have nothing to stop me losing my oomph or slacking on the sofa all day, or pretending that knitting a tiny doll's blanket constitutes a valid day's work for a full grown woman.
I got up with Babes after the alarm went up and sat in my bathrobe having a cup of decaf tea and some cracottes with gouda, bemoaning my lack of action and oomph, until I could see myself through his eyes and how pathetic I was. Then I decided on action. Before action, though, I made the children unload and load the dishwasher (their job, not my opportunity for action - ha!). Meanwhile, I read on in a book I started yesterday: Born to Run. Now there's one I would wholeheartedly recommend to all of you. It's full of thirst for life, full of laughs, full of the will to go. It's made me want to become a vegan barefoot trailrunner. (My shin hurts just imagining it.) I took the children to the park for a picnic and stuck them in the big adventure playpark so I could keep reading. Finished the book tonight. I've already been out for a sneaky barefoot ten metres out on the pavement outside the door. Another thing it's made me want to do, is finally to start checking out potential new houses for us to move to. We should not be living in a terraced house in a concrete street any more. Reading about trail runs and adventures in the hills of Mexico made me feel deep in my bones, now more than ever, that I need to see trees when I look out of the window, and not walls. I'm also considering volunteering in the Oxfam shop around the corner. Some volunteer work should get me moving outside this head of mine sometimes, which would most likely be healthy.
I'm looking forward to the book I will read after The Noonday Demon: Reasons to Stay Alive. I have a feeling I will need it.